Thursday, October 19, 2017

He'd Be Hirsute

First grader to teacher: "What if a man had a beard so long it went all the way to New Jersey?"




(Overheard by ARA at an elementary school north of Portland)

Thursday, October 12, 2017

Videoport Throw Back

First Man in porn nook: "'Girls Gone Wild: My Big Breakfast'…?"

Second Man in porn nook: "That says 'BREASTS.' 'My Big BREASTS.'"

First Man: "Oh. I thought it said 'breakfast.'"




(Overheard years ago by JL at Videoport)

Friday, October 06, 2017

Some Days It Sure Feels Like It

First grader to teacher: "Are you going to teach until you die?"






(Overheard by ARA at an elementary school north of Portland)

Monday, September 04, 2017

Capitalism in a Nutshell

One bro to another: "That's capitalism in a nutshell, bro. That's capitalism in a nutshell, bro. That's capitalism in a nutshell, bro."




(Overheard by AS on Congress Street near Empire)

Friday, August 25, 2017

Dog People

Woman (watching dogs play): "Sometimes she chases every dog she sees, and sometimes she's not interested in playing at all."

Man: "Yeah, my dog wants to meet every dog he sees, but he really only ever plays with like a third of them. Mostly he just sniffs and moves on."

Woman:"I guess we shouldn't underestimate their intelligence. I don't want to talk to most of the people I meet."

Man: "Me too."

(silence)




(Overheard by JR at Willard Beach)

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

The Sound of Summer

Guy, swirling ice cubes in iced coffee, to friend: "Hey, I'm a Foley artist! That's the sound of summer!"

Thursday, July 13, 2017

Back to the Future

One tourist to another: "I love Portland! People riding bikes, sitting on benches, eating ice cream... It's just like the 1950s!"



(Overheard by SH on Moulton Street)

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

A Regular Shithole

Person #1 to Person #2: "Portland? It's so busy. And it used to be nothing! It used to be a regular shithole."





(Overheard by AS near The Sock Shack on Congress Street)

Monday, July 10, 2017

The Real Portland

Tourist 1 to Tourist 2, crossing Temple Street toward Monument Square: "Now we're in the real Portland. Not boutique-y Portland."




(Overheard by SH near Monument Square)

Tuesday, May 02, 2017

The Answer To This Question Is Always Yes

Person 1 to Person 2, gesturing toward their pooping dog: "Do you think I need to pick that up?"

Person 2: "Nah."




(Overheard by J and C outside Quarry Run Dog Park)

Tuesday, February 07, 2017

My Wish


(Seen by MK on Ocean Avenue)

Monday, February 06, 2017

Protest Fatigue

Locally famous school librarian, to friend: "Just got off work, and now I'm going to another goddamned demonstration."




(Overheard on Congress Street before the Rally Against the Muslim Immigration Ban)

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

The Jewish Time Zone

Teacher:  (Briefly explains the Jewish calendar.)

Student: "Isn't Jewish like three hours ahead of us?"






(Overheard by ARA at a Portland area school)

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Dentist in Training

Young dental student, to another young dental student: "Oh my God, I had to do this extraction, and I could not get #15 out! I was seriously trying for like an hour. I can barely feel my hands now!"





(Overheard at the Starbucks on Forest Avenue)

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Good Advice

Six year old girl to woman: "Tell her to listen to punk rock music. It will make her feel confident."






(Overheard by ER at a block party in Deering Center)

Monday, August 22, 2016

You Wouldn't Understand, It's an American Thing

Woman, gesturing at the crowd singing along with "Hamilton": "How do they know all the words?"

Singer: "Oh--well, they've been listening to the cast recording and singing along."

Woman: "But...I don't understand. What is it? I'm Canadian."






(Overheard at the Hamilton Singalong in Congress Square Park)

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

What Will They Think of Next?

Person #1: "What is this 'cold brew' that I keep hearing about?"

Person #2: "It's this new iced coffee that Starbucks invented."






(Overheard by AS on Congress Street near Starbucks)

Wednesday, August 03, 2016

Picnic Tables

Loud lady, to friend: "Salvage Barbecue--picnic tables? Really? I think it's one of those places that's designed to be uncomfortable so you'll leave. You know, if John and I aren't fighting--like all the time--we actually like to sit and chat. So we'll stick to Congress Bar and Grill."




(Overheard by MH at Thurston's Wicked Good Burgers)

Tuesday, August 02, 2016

Virtual Portland

Man, to lost-looking young woman: "Can I help you find anything?"

Woman, relieved: "Yes! Do you have any tips?"

Man: "Are you looking for a place to eat, or..?"

Woman: "No, I'm playing Pokémon Go."





(Overheard by MH on the Eastern Promenade Trail)

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

She's Got Legs

Woman in a black dress: "I've been working out a lot lately, I mean look at this. Seriously, I've never had this muscle in my leg before."

Woman in a white dress: "Oh my god, your thighs are amazing."




(Overheard by CR at Congress Bar & Grill)

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Modern Jackass on the Bus

Lady, to seat mate, in an authoritative voice: "Oh yeah, they have terrible teeth, Europeans. Because of the water. And they drink wine from the age of five. Coffee, tea, wine."




(Overheard on the Portland to Boston Concord Coach Lines bus)

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

The Churros

Young woman on the phone: "Abby. Abby! ABBY! You shoulda had the churros!"





(Overheard by MR on Congress Street in front of MECA)

Tuesday, July 19, 2016

A Real City

Woman to friend: "I love the way that Portland becomes a real city in the summer, with models doing photoshoots at the beach and transients passed out drunk on picnic tables."





(Overheard by JR on East End Beach)

Monday, July 18, 2016

Munjoy Who?

Dad to son, walking bikes across the street: "...to Munjoy Hill."

Son: "What hill?"

Dad: "Munjoy Hill."

Son: "What's that?"

Dad: "I don't know. It's named after somebody named Munjoy, I guess."






(Overheard by LD on Commercial Street)

Friday, July 15, 2016

Pokémon Go Dog Go

One guy to another, watching two dogs greet each other by bowing, sniffing, and wrestling: "So much better than Pokémon Go."





(Overheard by JR at the corner of Deering and Mellen Streets)

Monday, June 27, 2016

New Portland Motto?

Tourist teen to siblings and parents: "I hate this place. Even the hot dogs smell like fish."





(Overheard by EN near hotdog cart on Commercial Street)

Friday, June 24, 2016

The God Darn Berlin Wall

Tourist wife to husband: "Oh my God, Walter, look! I had no clue they moved the Berlin Wall to here!?"

(Husband silent, not listening.)

Wife: "WALTER LOOOOK! IT'S THE GOD DARN BERLIN WALL!"





(Overheard by EN on the Long Wharf off Commercial Street, by the piece of the Berlin Wall)

Thursday, June 23, 2016

Welcome to Portland!

Woman to friend: "Every time I come here, someone yells at me or one of my friends."




(Overheard by JR in the Old Port)

Monday, June 13, 2016

#ThanksApplebees

Panhandling man outside of Applebee's, staring in amazement at the five dollar bill a passer-by has just handed him: "Thanks, Applebee's!"





(Overheard by MK in front of Applebee's on Brighton Avenue)

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Why Indeed

One young woman to another: "And she was like, 'Why are you even considering going into the military? You come from a rich family!'"





(Overheard by SW at the corner of State Street and Park Avenue)