Get the waffle fries

Server, to outdoor diner: "Do you want regular fries with that? Or waffle fries?"

Diner: "Regular, I guess."

Server: "Hmm."

Diner: "Oh, should I get waffle fries instead?"

Server: "Well. We are in Portland."

(Overheard by AW at Mellen Street Market)

Portlandia Redux

Young woman behind the hardware store counter, to man wearing Sleater-Kinney t-shirt: "Isn't that the band Carrie Brownstein is in?"

Man: "Yes, it is."

Young woman: "They've been around since the nineties, right?"

Other shopper: "Yes, the nineties are big."

Young woman: "I know. I see kids wearing Friends shirts. I guess the dream of the nineties is alive in Portland."

(Overheard by JR at Maine Hardware)

The Frontal Lobe

One teenage girl to another: "Yeah, you know the frontal lobe? It's the part of the brain that has to do with things like NOT KISSING RANDOM WAITRESSES."

(Overheard by KB on Willard Beach)

Not a Kid's Drink

Kid 1: "Have you ever had a Red Bull?"

Kid 2: "What kind of kid do you think I am?!"

Kid 1: "So you haven't had one?"

Kid 2: "No! It's not a kid's drink!"

Kid 1: "You mean it's like alcohol?"

Kid 2: "No! It's an energy drink? But it's not a kid's drink!"

Kid 1: "My friend who's in fifth — going into sixth — grade LEGIT had one."

Kid 2: "YO! What the hell's wrong with him?!"

(Overheard by ZWH and IWH at Pine Point Beach)

Senior Hours

Older woman, upon seeing the Senior Hours sign outside Trader Joe's: "Senior hours 8am to 9 am?! I ain't getting up at 8am, I'm retired!"

From Away

Neighbor: "We're sitting on the back porch on a sixty degree day. We must be real Mainers!"




(Overheard by JR on Frances Street)

Kids Teach Kant

Kid 1: "Do you want to play trucks?"

Kid 2: "Mom said we were supposed to help by cleaning the paintbrushes."

Kid 1: "That's what we're supposed to do. I am asking what you want to do."





(Overheard by JR on Frances Street)

THEY PROMISED

Girl, about six years old, to her dad: "If there isn't going to be any more school, they should at least give our art projects back. (Yelling) THEY PROMISED US THEY'D GIVE THEM BACK!!"



(Overheard by ER from more than six feet away, on a trail in Portland)

Every. Single. Time.

Middle aged man to other middle aged man, breaking long silence: "Do you ever look at your last load of laundry and think, 'Maybe I'll just throw this out'?"



(Overheard by SH at Tony's Donuts)

Someone's Idea of Fun

Second-grader: "Corona is a fun word!"




(Overheard by AR in an elementary school classroom outside of Portland)

Pisces Season

Person to friend: "He's a Pisces? Everyone's a Pisces! That used to be my thing!"



(Overheard by AJL in a Congress Street bar)

It's Decorative Gourd Season

Mom to teenage daughter: "Oh, wait, did you want to get a funky gourd?"

Daughter: "Nope."




(Overheard at the farmer's market in Deering Oaks)

At the Fair

Middle-aged woman, watching an 8 or 9 year old boy swinging a mallet at the strength tester: "I could totally kick that guy's ass."



(Overheard at the Common Ground Fair)

What Doesn't Kill You Only Makes Vacation Better

Woman to man: "That is what people do when they're on vacation. They see stuff and do things. So go back to the hotel, take some aspirin, put some ice on it, lie down for a bit. Then you can go out later."



(Overheard by JR in the Old Port)

It's the Law

Male tourist: "A whole lotta Subarus in Portland..."

Female tourist: "Really high per-capita rate."

Male tourist: "Yeah, I think the rule is two Subarus per person here."




(Overheard by EWW in the Old Port)

Havin' a Summah

Young tourist 1 to young tourist 2: "I picture today as our relaxed, free-time day. Then tomorrow we'll do something structured, like going to the beach or hanging out."



(Overheard by SH on Middle Street)

Yeah — It's in Boston

Guy getting out of a car with New York plates, to valet: "Last time we were here, we went to a cocktail bar. Do you know where that is? The cocktail bar?"




(Overheard by SH on Exchange Street)

Hashtag We Rock

20-something bro-dude 1: "His band has eleven thousand followers on Facebook."

Dude 2: "Bullshit! If you're a local band with more than two thousand followers, you paid for them. I mean, we rock, and we only have eight hundred."

Dude 1: "Exactly. That's what I said."



(Overheard by SH on Exchange Street)

It's still a thing

Man: "What day is it?"
Woman: "It's St. Patrick's Day."
Man: "Is it the 16th?"
Woman: "It's March 17th, St. Patrick's Day."
Man: "I didn't realize that was still a thing."





(Overheard at Rose Foods)

50 Shades of Business

Male customer to female friend: "I'm literally turning him clockwise and spanking his ass with my offer."





(Overheard by LB at Coffee By Design on Congress Street.)

Another year, another sidewalk philosopher

One human to another: “Portland is just for getting fucked up and talking about politics, not for looking at stars.”




(Overheard by AJL on Forest Avenue)

Avocados Have Feelings Too

Teacher to class: “Has anyone had an avocado?”

Second grader: “No, I’m a vegetarian, so I don’t eat meat.”



(Overheard by ARA at an elementary school outside of Portland)

Kids These Days

Second grade teacher, reading an informational book about knights: “And Sir Lancelot fought for Lady...“

Student: “Gaga?!”




(Overheard at an elementary school west of Portland)

Hannaford Paleontologist

Boy: "There are dinosaurs in the store!"
Dad: "Real dinosaurs?"
Boy: "Yeah."
Dad: "What aisle are they in? Frozen vegetables?"
Boy: (unintelligible)
Dad: "Oh, they're carnivores. They're in the meat department then."



(Overheard by ETS at Hannaford in Biddeford)

Communication problems

European Woman, quietly: "I’d like a latte macchiato, please."

Employee, not quite hearing her: "Sorry, what?"

European Woman, thinking that that the employee didn’t understand her phrasing: "I wish, please, to consume a latte macchiato."



(Overheard by JL at the Rusty Lantern on Congress Street)

The Most Important Meal of the Day

Person, to friend: "You know what I just realized? I don't even like breakfast pizza!"






(Overheard by AJL in front of the Hilltop Superette on Congress Street).

Island Mystery

One tourist to another: "I'm sure there are more shops on the island, because how else do they make money if they live here?"




(Overheard by JF Downfront on Peaks Island)

Better Order the Pho

Woman to dining companion: "I like things white girl spicy. You know, just a little bit of pepper."




(Overheard by JR at Cong Tu Bot)

Kids These Days

Eight or nine year-old boy, yelling at barking dog as he runs by: "Arf arf, bitch!"




(Overheard by MR on High Street in South Portland)

The Original Bullshitters

Man, lecturing family members on the history of the Mayflower: "They were effective at convincing everybody that they were hot shit, but they weren't the first settlers."




(Overheard at Pool Lobster at Goldthwaite's in Biddeford Pool)