Home For the Holidays

20-something girl: "Hey, I live in South Portland and I am trying to get home for Christmas--you got two bucks?"





(Overheard by KC in Monument Square on Christmas Eve)

Pathetic is the New Cool

Hipster discussing his favorite hip hop performer with a friend: "What I like about him is that he is so pathetic that he doesn't even try to be more than pathetic."





(Overheard by JR at Arabica)

Mall Security

Man sweeping the floor, to woman sitting on a bench: "You know what they call that? Mall security."





(Overheard at the Maine Mall)

Seven Years

Guy to friend: "Hey, what's up with your brother? What'd he get?"

Friend: "Seven years."

(Raucous laughter from group of friends.)






(Overheard by JL in Monument Square)

Dinner

Woman to friend: "Let's just get baby carrots and brainstorm!"





(Overheard by JR at the Back Cove Hannaford)

Judged

Very loud woman on cell phone: "What the fuck else am I supposed to do? Huh? What the fuck? No, I told you, I'm judged because I'm fat. I'm called a slut. I don't have any teeth, people tell me go get new teeth. ‎I'm not fucking anyone but you, I swear. Look, I gotta go. (Pause, then to friend): "Let's go smoke a blunt."




(Overheard by PL in the main branch of the Portland Public Library)

Aphorism

Landscaper to coworkers: "Thinking is like money: I never have either, but neither do me any good." 





(Overheard by JR on Chadwick Street)

Too Much Bath Salts

Concerned yuppie-type woman, to Shaky Bob (a.k.a. Shaky Pete/Bobby Roberts), who was lying on the sidewalk: "Are you okay? Can we call someone for you? Did you take too much bath salts?"





(Overheard by EB at the corner of Spring Street and High Street)

Fantastic

Cashier, to man: "How are you?"

Man, loudly: "I'm fantastic! It's my birthday! And I'm a homosexual!" (pause, then to smiling customer) "Bitch."




(Overheard by MR at the Catholic Charities Thrift Store on St. John Street)

Down South

50-something, possibly homeless man: "I need money for beer so I can go down south."






(Overheard by SP outside Joe's Smoke Shop on Congress Street)

Bucket List

One 20-something woman to another: "Yeah, I've started going to bars where the names go through the alphabet, A to Z. It's part of my bucket list."






(Overheard by PR at Planet Fitness)

Adult Things

Energetic young woman: "So, do you still have the same probation officer?"

Sullen young man: "No, she just does juvie stuff. I do adult things now."






(Overheard by BS on Congress Street)

Casinos No

Young woman to her boyfriend: "No, you can't have a scratch ticket! You're the reason we can't have casinos in Maine."






(Overheard by @iwasthewalrus near the scratch ticket machine at Hannaford on Forest Avenue)

Stilettos

One extremely fashion-conscious young woman to another: "Are you really going to have a closet full of stilettos when you live in a place where you can never wear them?"






(Overheard by LF at The Local Buzz in Cape Elizabeth)

Me and Britney

Young smoking mother, to friends: "That used to make me so mad, when people called Britney Spears fat. Cause we were, like, the exact same size then. So I'm like, 'What the hell? You calling me fat?'"






(Overheard in front of the Portland Public Library on Congress Street)

Cat Lady

Old woman to her friend: "I don't know who talks to me more, my stones or my cats."







(Overheard by EN on Free Street)

Protocol

Woman pushing baby stroller, to friend: "And then I told her, if you have full-blown AIDS, you are NOT supposed to be working with the food!"





(Overheard by LA on Oxford Street)

Nice Vest

Scruffy 50-something man, to a passerby, politely: "Excuse me! Nice vest! (Turns to his buddies, also scruffy 50-something men) Either go to the hospital or die! Anaphylactic shock!"






(Overheard by MB outside Matthew's)

Teach Your Children Well

Little boy bringing a movie from the horror section to his father in the family movie section: "Dad, you're not going to like the cover, but you told me never to judge a book by its cover, and a movie is like a book."






(Overheard by JR at Videoport)

Boys Vs Girls

Grocery bagger, to cashier: "Boys or girls?"

Cashier: "Two boys, girl in the middle. If I'da known then what I know now, I'da figured out a way to make 'em all boys."





(Overheard at Hannaford)

Also Known as Sunlight

Man to Hannaford employee (gesturing to rain, arms wide open): "Isn't this great, liquid radiation!"






(Overheard by JR in the Hannaford parking lot)

Real Men

Drunk woman, screaming:  "Real men eat pussy!"





(Overheard by DM on Brackett Street)

LP

Young woman on her cell phone: “I finally figured it out. LP stands for long playing!”





(Overheard by NK at the corner of Pearl Street and Middle Street)

Or the Weather Channel

Sharply-dressed young man to two scruffy guys: "Hey, do you know what the weather's going to be like tonight?"

Scruffy guy number one: "No."

Sharply-dressed man: "Maybe you should watch the news."

Scruffy guy number one to scruffy guy number two: "What the fuck is he talking about?"






(Overheard by JF on Preble Street)

Text Me?

Early 30's man, speaking to a woman walking several yards in front of him: "If you're gonna ditch me for your ex-boyfriend, at least give me a fuckin' text."





(Overheard by DM on Free Street)

Whatever

Woman to man: "What do you want for dinner? Sushi? Whatever, you're cooking."






(Overheard by EB at Hannaford in Rockland)

Don't Knock Like a Cop

20-something woman, restraining large pitbull, to two baggy pants wearing 20-ish men: "When you get up to the door, knock loud. But not, you know, not like a cop loud!"





(Overheard by AN on Congress Street)

Chickens

Man to family: "Chickens for five dollars? Down at the corner store they're ninety-nine cents!"







(Overheard by MH in the poultry barn at the Common Ground Fair)

Shut Up

Dude sitting in a Civic Center alcove across from Margaritas Mexican Restaurant: "Shut up...goddamn...Mexican...(long, long pause)...restaurant."






(Overheard by DM on Free Street)

The Best Seats in Heaven

Elderly lady wearing a floppy straw hat: "You can give some girls the best seats in heaven and they still want more."






(Overheard by Pleko at the Getty on Broadway in South Portland)

Probation

Very loud young man on cell phone: "I wasn't going to go out there, you know, 'cause of probation and shit...but I ended up going and had a real good time!"





(Overheard by BC on Congress Street)

First Class

Woman on cellphone: "I will not so much as step foot on a plane unless I know that someone is at some point going to hand me a fresh hot towel."







(Overheard by JR at Whole Foods Market)

Hindsight

50ish professional-looking woman to 50ish professional-looking man: “I would have gone out with you sooner, but I didn’t know then I was married to such an asshole.”






(Overheard by LK at On the Border in South Portland)

Congratulations!

Tank-topped, jeans-ass-dragging youth to buddy: "Hey man, even though I'm still unemployed, I manage to get up at 8am every morning!"






(Overheard by KC in Monument Square)

Mmm, Salty.

Tourist man, looking at water fountain: "Do you think it's sea water?"

Tourist woman: "I'm not sure, let me try."






 (Overheard by CM on the Eastern Prom)

That's Freedom Dressing to You

Man to woman: "I can't believe they don't have French dressing. That's just weird."






(Overheard at Trader Joe's)

Hot Dog Wisdom

Hot dog vendor to customer: "...It'd still be breaking the law. Even though it's a photo of you, it's still child porn..."


Hot dog vendor, five minutes later: "...Even I can't afford a sports car, and I own a cellphone!"





 (Overheard by WB near Tommy's Park)

Only a White Lie

Dude in chair: ‎"A lie is a lie. People say, 'Oh, it's only a white lie.' A lie is a lie. What's the alternative, a black lie? Ha ha ha. Hey, now you're getting racist. Ha ha ha."






(Overheard by DM at the Congress Street Coffee by Design)

Bananas

Middle-aged man running down the street: "But I don't have any bananas!"

(Overheard by AJGL on Congress Street)

Watch Your Mouth, Watson

Meek-sounding male voice: "Honey, I...(garbled words)...fish...(garbled)..."

 Harsh female voice: "Oh, really? Well no SHIT, Sherlock!"

 Meek-sounding male voice: "Aww...(garble)..."






(Overheard by AJGL on Prospect Street)

Hype

Young man to friend: "Hurricane Irene totally did not live up to all of the hype."

Friend: "Yeah, just like Avatar."








(Overheard by JR at Arabica)

Marijuana People

Man to his wife, walking past fire dancers: "Well...they look like marijuana people to me."

(Overheard by TF in Tommy's Park)

41-Okay

Sharp teenage grandson: "My dad wants a new job. Someplace where they have a retirement plan or something."

Not quite as sharp grandfather: "Yeah, he really needs one of those 41-okay plans."






(Overhead by BS in Mercy Hospital's Emergency Department)

Thanks For The Advice

Scrawny, tattooed, toothless man pushing baby carriage, to passing woman: "Hey, I like your shades. Aviators are the way to go. You should get the mirrored kind, though, so you can see if someone's checking out your ass."







(Overheard in Deering Oaks)

...To Go To College?

Guy to group of guys: "I was the first dude in my family...to fuck a bitch in all 50 states."







(Overheard by SE outside of Joe's Smoke Shop)

Not-So-Funtown

Woman with Maine accent, to dental hygienist: "After all those rides in Orlando, I just don't think Funtown's gonna be very fun for him."







(Overheard at a pediatric dentist's office in Scarborough)

Good Idea

Old man explaining his philosophy on women: "I've had two of 'em try to hit me, and they ended up with broken arms. I just try to stay away from 'em now. I learned from my mama, and she had an IQ of 187!"








(Overheard by MB on a Portland Metro bus)

Words to Live By

Seemingly gay man to girl: "Rule number one: never grab a gay man by the flaccid penis."

Girl: "Words to live by."







(Overheard by LB at Local 188)

Okay.

Mid 20's woman on cellphone: "She's been fucked by everyone in Portland, but I'm not going to fuck her."







(Overheard by AC on Commercial Street)

Cat Piss

(Seen by DNW at Ryefield Cove on Peaks Island)

Ted the Hippie

Woman, to co-worker: "Well, you know everyone thinks of Ted as a dirty old hippie anyway. He used to drive around in that VW bus."

(Overheard at the Peaks Cafe on Peaks Island)

Other People's Children

Woman to friends: "I'd make a great nanny, but I don't like other people's children."








(Overheard by JR at Arabica)

If I Had a Nickel

Barista, after customer apologized for putting bacon into recycling bin: "If I had a nickel for every time someone dropped something that wasn't recyclable in there I'd own LL Bean."






(Overheard by EL at Coffee By Design in Freeport)

Done.

Man on cellphone, scratching his butt: "I gotta get rid of my ego."






(Overheard on Exchange Street)

You Should Know Better

20-something tourist woman, to 20-something tourist man: "I don't like when you light anything on fire. And you should know that."






(Overheard on Commercial Street)

The Good Old Days

Fiftyish man, to woman: "Remember that time I punched up Stephen Stills?"




(Overheard by JB in the Hannaford parking lot)

The Good Stuff

Woman, to skinny male companion: "Oh, I forgot the coffee brandy. Go get some, and don't get the cheap stuff. Get the Allen's."







(Overheard by EB in line at a Portland grocery store)

Gotta Catch 'Em All

Teenage boy 1: "...yeah, in like Piscataquis or something..."

Teenage boy 2: "What is Piscataquis?"

Teenage boy 1: "I don't know, it's like a place up north in Maine. It sounds like a Pokemon!"

(Pause)

Teenage boy 3: "DUDE. It does sound like a Pokemon!"






(Overheard by MF on Willard Beach)

Three Long Years

Large woman in her 30s: "Wow, I haven't been swimming in three years."

Her equally large sister: "That's cause you've been pregnant for the last three years!"






(Overheard by JP at Sebago Lake)

Pizza Delivery For...

Shirtless young man on a cell phone: "WIENER, man! I period C period Wiener!"






(Overheard by TW on Danforth Street)

Why?

Drunk Guido guy, locked in an amorous embrace with bleached blonde woman: "Why'd you grab my dick?"

Blonde woman, giggling drunkenly: "Because it's fahkin' hot, God!"







(Overheard by CS on Exchange Street, near Novare Res)

Welcome to Portland

Exceptionally tall woman: "Buuurrrrrpppp."

Tourist man: (Look of utter shock).

Tall woman: "Sorry, homeboy. Welcome to Portland!"








(Overheard by EB outside the Porthole)

Can't Decide

One custodian to another: "I can't decide if I want to be a man or a woman today."






(Overheard by KW at the Maine Mall)

You've Had Enough

First guy: "I like it cause you can drink as much as you want."

Second guy: "Yeah, I hate when it's like, 'Whoa, whoa, you've had enough.'"








(Overheard on Brighton Avenue)

Good Plan

Teenage girl: "I'm gonna get really tan and then die young so I don't get that gross, leathery look."







(Overheard on the Bagheera schooner in Casco Bay)

PBR

One hip 20-something to another: "PBR won its blue ribbon in like 1893 or something."

Second 20-something: "That's why their beer sucks. The last award it won was like 200 years ago!"

First 20-something: "That is bad math. Also, PBR won a gold medal at the American Beer Festival in 2006."







(Overheard by MW on the East End Beach)

Skeevy Neighborhood

Fiftyish man, to friend: "I remember when the Old Port was such a skeevy neighborhood that our parents forbid us to come here."







(Overheard on Fore Street)

Who is He?

First dressed-up young woman: "When we see him let's totally pretend we don't know him!"

Second dressed-up young woman: "Uh...I don't know him."








(Overheard on Fore Street)

Steak

Man in pickup truck, to young woman: "Hey, do you like steak? This car is full of steak! Hey, did I mention that I love you?"








(Overheard by ZWH on Marginal Way)

Pigeon Love

First plain-clothed cyclist to second: "Did you see that guy!? He just kissed that pigeon!"







(Overheard by CM and SV at Congress and High Streets)

Inside Joke

One Trader Joe's employee to another: "Do you have any xylophones?"

Other Trader Joe's employee: "Oh yeah!"







(Overheard at Trader Joe's)

Iced Coffee

Man carrying beer up Munjoy Hill: "So this crackhead totally smashed a coffee pot in the store today--chucked it at this dude's head."

Second man, concerned: "Was it iced coffee?"








(Overheard by A on Munjoy Hill)

Crazy Neighbors

12 year old girl, to two younger children: "So, this house is where our neighbor who doesn't own a car lives. The boy's grandmother has a car, but they don't. They walk everywhere!"







(Overheard by Captain Confrontation on Munjoy Hill)

No Search Warrant

Angry man yelling on telephone: "I don't care what she said, they didn't have a search warrant!"






(Overheard by JC near the Nickelodeon)

Fancy Clothes

Smoking woman to man: "Fuck all my bitchy co-workers and their fancy clothes."







(Overheard on Congress Street)

Tired

Woman to friends: "I mean, I'm like so tired of Nazis...that's what she said!"







(Overheard by AF at the Dogfish Bar and Grille)

Plans

Drunk woman to friends: "Tomorrow morning we're going to shop our shit out at Hannaford's."







(Overheard by AS at Portland Lobster Company)

After the Fireworks

Awkward preteen girl to even more awkward preteen boy: “Halley said she wants you to ask her out under the fireworks after the game. She said she will seriously cry of happiness if you do that, okay?”

Preteen boy: “You’ve already told me three times, just stop.”

Preteen girl: “Michael, you can’t act like a boy about this! Do you know how serious this is?! She said she will cry with happiness if you ask her out!”

(Overheard by GS and RS at the Sea Dogs)

Epilogue: He ended up asking her out, after being bullied throughout the entire game by the group of ten preteen girlfriends.

Just Kidding

High school student, enthusiastically, to his friends: "Hey, who wants to check out the gay bar?!"

(Long, silent pause.)

High school student, abashed: "Just kidding."







(Overheard by AF on Fore Street)

Gollum, You Idiot!

Little kid #1: "Daddy, was Bilbo Baggins a liar?"

Dad: "Yes, he was."

Little kid #2: "What did he lie about?"

Dad: "I don't really remember, but he was a liar."

Random guy walking by: "He lied about Gollum and the ring, idiot!"

(Overheard by AJGL on the Eastern Prom)

Queen of the World

Congress Street man: "Fifteen million for a watch. A hundred million for a yacht. I'm the queen of the world. I'm the richest homosexual in the world."

(Overheard by DM on Congress Street)

Mess You Up

(Seen by EZF on a cooler full of beer at a high school graduation party)

John White

Smoking man #1: "I saw John White yesterday."

Smoking man #2, agitated: "John White's a murderer!"

Smoking man #1: "What? Who'd he murder?"

Smoking man #2: "ME!"







(Overheard by LKW outside a Cumberland Farms in Augusta)

Roger

Older man to young woman: "Roger likes you. He really does. If you needed to borrow five dollars, you could get it from Roger."







(Overheard by LKW outside a Commercial Street bar)

They Just Don't Cut It

Elderly woman, to veggie/herb vendor at the farmer's market: "Lesbian shavers are great, but they just don't always cut it for me."







(Overheard by DC at the Monument Square farmer's market)

The Clowns

Middle-aged woman, to two little girls: "I don't know if any more alcohol is such a good idea, since you've already had a donut and we have the clowns later."






(Overheard by DC at the Monument Square farmer's market)

Nudity

Art walking man, to female friend: "I would be so embarrassed to see a naked baby!"





(Overheard by BCM at a Portland art gallery)

That Never Works

One frowny teenager to another: "You tried to cheat on your girlfriend on Congress--that never works."






(Overheard by AP on Congress Street)

Just Like New York

Woman (pointing to parking lot): "If you park here you'll feel just like you were in New York City: someone will yell at you and everything."





(Overheard by JR in the West End)

Vive la Différence

Middle-aged L.L.Bean catalog woman to Trader Joe's worker: "What is the difference between the extra firm tofu and the firm tofu? Is it the taste?"





(Overheard by @jugglinggeese at Trader Joe's)

Oh My God

Well-dressed man with Jesus sign who rides a bike: (preaches the gospel)

Passing man with 666 tattooed on his forehead, disgustedly: "Oh my GOD!"






(Overheard by Captain Confrontation in Congress Square)

Welcome to Portland

Man shouting out his car window: "Does anybody know where I can get some god damn weed in this fucking town?!"





(Overheard by KT in Longfellow Square)

Did I Ask You if You Smoked?

Crazy customer: "Hey, you got a lighter?"

Barista: "No, I'm sorry. I don't smoke..."

Crazy customer: "I DIDN'T ASK YOU IF YOU FUCKING SMOKED."





(Overheard by KT at Coffee By Design on Congress Street)

A Dollar Fifty

Skinny guy with basketball shorts, a wife beater, and calf tattoos: "Hey! Hey! Ask him about CJ borrowing a dollar-fifty. SERIOUSLY, DO that."

CJ's friend: "I will! I will!"

CJ: "Tell 'em, 'CJ wants a dolla-fifty for a bee-ahh! For a Pabst...'"






(Overheard by EC on Brackett Street)

Hey, Bro

One guy to another: "I'm not gonna be like, 'Hey, bro, don't do this, like, ever, but we're gonna go pick up some prostitutes...'"






(Overheard by JW on Congress Street)

Very Problematic

Thirty-something professional man, to fifty-something professional male companion: "It's NOT a wine bar. You have to order food too. And there are all these disgusting tattoos...on women. It's very problematic."






(Overheard by AN outside Figa on Congress Street)

Hey Girl

Red-haired teenage boy, with a knowing smile, to passing man: "Hey girl."






(Overheard by DM on Congress Street)

You're Too Good For Her

Lady buying movie tickets: "You're nice. Want to meet my daughter? Sure. Well, to be honest, you're too good for her."






(Overheard by @iwasthewalrus at the Nickelodeon)

Quintessentially New York

20-something biker hipster to group of friends: "Oh my God: Mexican chocolate! It’s, like, the two things that are quintessentially New York!”





(Overheard by GS in the Mt. Desert ice cream shop on Exchange Street)

First Date?

Man on cell phone: "That's the only time I was with her. When I got Tased, I went home."

(Overheard by KR on Congress Street)

You Know Me

One man to another: "You know me: I like my sorcery."

(Overheard by DM at the Congress Street Coffee By Design)

The Problem With Urban Living

One man to a group of his friends: "The problem with urban living is that you have to hear other people's music and smell other people's cooking."

Older friend: "That is why we are not going to move to the city until we retire: by then we won't be able to hear or smell a thing."





(Overheard by JR at Arabica)

The Way Bus Driving Should Be

Bus driver, furious about late arriving passengers: "Jesus Christ, I gotta dump this Maine route."







(Overheard on the South Station to Portland Concord Coach Line bus)

Winning the Lottery

One teenager to another: "What would you do if you won the lottery?"

The other teenager: "Yo, I would do it up! I would get corn rows and everything, yo!"






(Overheard by AW on Cleeve Street at 2am)

Cancer

Mother, with lit cigarette in lips, to elementary school aged son: "What you need to know is that cancer is not a death sentence. 98% of the time it's not."






(Overheard by AN on North Street)

Kids in Portland

Maine mom in tank top, to kid running down the sidewalk dodging pedestrians: "Hey, I hope you said, 'Excuse me' to those people when you ran by them! Half the kids in Portland think they're gangstah!"






(Overheard by KC on Congress Street near Joe's Smoke Shop)

Organic Cheese

Mother in her kitchen: "I just want my goddamn organic cheese!"

(Overheard by AJGL on Highland Street)

Dream Date

Girl 1: "So you have a date, eh?"

Girl 2: "Yeah, he's a Jewish graphic designer that loves sushi and commitment."






(Overheard by VP in Portland)

More Sexy

One old man to another: "You know, what this town needs is more sexy. Good looking guys like us can only compensate for so much ugly."






(Overheard by MW on the Eastern Prom)

Getting Old

30-something guy, holding bouquet of flowers, to girl: "I am getting old. My knees are stiff, and I have never been with two women."






(Overheard by KC In front of an art gallery on Congress Street)

A Change of Plans

Man on cellphone: "Hey dude, I thought that we had plans to eat grilled cheese sandwiches today."







(Overheard by JR on Free Street)

Do You Understand What This Means?

Man outside window: "I care not about the fucking electrical storm. I am going to tie you to a tree and burn you to death forever, Jerry. Do you hear me? [screaming] DO YOU UNDERSTAND. WHAT. THIS. MEANS?!"





(Overheard by DM on State Street)

You're Not Fuckin' Four

Stroller-pushing Maine mom, to older child walking alongside: "Quit whinin'! What are you, nine? You're not fuckin' four! God damn."






(Overheard by DM on Congress Street)

Nice Weather

One burly bald guy to another: "So nice out today. Perfect drinkin' weather."






(Overheard in the parking lot at the Back Cove Hannaford)

No Cigarettes

Man, being escorted out of the library: "I got no cigarettes and no money. And when you got no cigarettes and no money, you gotta do something. I'm sorry if eveyone thought I was all "scary." (using finger quotes)

Same guy, 10 minutes later, to a female companion, on the sidewalk: "What? I didn't do anything."






(Overheard by LW at the Portland Public Library)

Raining in China

Middle-Aged Man #1: "You know, the weather this week is supposed to be really shitty."

Middle-Aged Man #2: "Where...here?"

Man #1 (sarcastically): "No, in China!"

(Overheard by AJGL in the Planet Fitness locker room)

The Glass is Half Empty

Grocery bagger, to customer: "How's it going today, sir?"

Customer: "It's going well, but there's still plenty of time for it to go bad."







(Overheard at the Back Cove Hannaford)

I Thought I Knew You!

Old, obviously intoxicated man, shouting at a car: "What happened to us, man? I thought I knew you! I really...I really...O Danny boy...the pipes, the pipes are calling...from glen to glen..."

(Overheard by AJGL on Commercial Street)

Him Too!

Man, shouting up a set of stairs: "You! You! You, and that fucking Al from Rite Aid!"

(Overheard by LW on Congress Street near Franklin Street)

Drinking Buddies

Man, to two women: "You know what I like about you guys? When you get drunk, you don't turn mental. You stay normal."

(Overheard by LW near Sangillo's)

A Million Dollars

One landscaper to another (who seems to be hiding in the bushes): "I don't understand those people who say they wouldn't know what to do with a million dollars. I could spend a million dollars in one day. I mean, you could save it and spend it wisely, and live on it for a long time - but you could buy an island or a fighter jet and it would just be gone."




(Overheard by AF in the West End)

Designated Lexus Driver

Friend, to drunk girl: "I don't think you can drive right now."

Drunk girl, stumbling: "I know how to drive -- I have a Lexus!"






(Overheard by KW in Monument Square)

The Children Are Our Future

Random woman in checkout line (gesturing toward a baby): "There's the future, right there. Those kids are all going to find jobs somehow and bail out social security in fifty years."

(Overheard by JR at Whole Foods)

Anger Management

Man on cellphone at 9 am, yelling at the top of his lungs: "Stop fucking harassing me, you drunk bitch!"






(Overheard by MB next to the Nickelodeon)

Oops

Very loud person on cellphone: "You wouldn't believe it - I'm walking down Congress Street, and my pants just split down the middle!"

(Overheard by MS on Congress Street)

Yum

Kid 1: "I am not going to be able to run today."

Kid 2: "Oh, really?"

Kid 1: "Yeah. I just ate a shit..."






(Overheard by MW on Congress Street across from City Hall)

Career Advice

Woman, to friend: "I'd rather be a picker or a packer at L.L.Bean than insert a Foley catheter."





(Overheard on Austin Street)

Time Flies

Bearded man #1 (with Maine accent): "This place has not been the same since J died."

Bearded man #2 (no accent): "When was that?"

Bearded man #1: "Twenty years ago."






(Overheard by JR at J's Oyster Bar)

Olive Garden

Teen mom with baby to teen dad: "It's not fucking McDonald's or Burger King. It's Olive Garden and you're fucking taking me!"





(Overheard by KC outside the Portland Public Library)

Untruths

Studying Girl 1: (reading from a textbook) "...was repetitious. Repetitious. That's not a word, is it? It doesn't sound like a word."

Studying Girl 2: "No, that's definitely not a word. You should tell your teacher that the book is wrong. Maybe he'll cancel the test."

(Overheard by jj @ SMCC)

Deep Thoughts

Intellectual Man: "Everything is so destroyed that nature doesn't even, like, exist."

Intellectual Woman: "Well, what is nature, really?"






(Overheard by DM at Local 188)

Happy Birthday!

Woman, to male companion: "I gave her a birthday card. Not a pornographic one."

(Overheard by DM at Arabica)

Some Days Are Like That

Congress Street guy, to no one in particular: "In just one day, I lost ten trillion dollars. In just one day."

(Overheard by DM on Congress Street)

Eww.

Woman on cell phone: "Sorry I'm so late getting back to you. You must have slipped through my crack."

(Overheard by CK in Monument Square)

Vacationland?

Indian contractor #1: "It is cold here, even in the summer."

Indian contractor #2: "Yes, I do not know why people come here to vacation."






(Overheard by DA in a Portland office)

Pick Up The Phona!

(Seen by AG on Milk Street)

How Long is Your Short?

Cute girl, to sharp looking fella: "How long is your short?"

Sharp looking fella, flashing a smile: "Ten minutes."





(Overheard by LB at Rogues Gallery)

Great Minds

Male voice: "Great minds piss alike."





(Overheard by DM in the restroom at Bayside Bowl)

It's Coming Back

Frail old gray-haired man with slight beard: "The cops made me shave. Punks thought I was a terrorist, so I shaved the motherfucker. But look -- it's coming back. Five days."





(Overheard by DM on Congress Street)

Vive la Différence

One café patron to another: "In Portland there is so much to do, but there is never any parking: in Lewiston there is plenty of parking but no place to go."





(Overheard by JR at Arabica)

These Days

Street commenter, referring to a group of senior citizen Egypt solidarity demonstrators: "Anything for a buck these days!"

(Overheard by DM at the corner of Exchange and Middle Streets)

It's Not Really Your Fault

Boyfriend, to his girlfriend: "It's not really your fault. He knew he was blind when he got on that bicycle!"

(Overheard by SJ in Lincoln Park)

A Friend

Man in wheelchair, to woman: "Ya lookin' for someone?"

Middle-aged woman: "Oh, I'm just looking for my friend."

Man (gesturing to teenage boy): "I bet he'd be your friend!"

(Overheard outside Otto on Congress Street)

Puddle Jumpers

Man: "Do you think that guy is gay?"

Woman: "You mean the guy in the white puddle jumpers?"

(Overheard by SC at Nosh)

Intervention

Man: "Have you ever had an intervention?"

Woman: "No."

Man: "Don't ever, EVER, let that happen to you."

(Overheard by Captain Confrontation outside of Mama's Crowbar)

Inside Joke?

Guy in big group of people emerging from a cab: "These people here have personality."

(Group laughs uproariously.)

Girl: "Who knew?!"

(Overheard by MM at the corner of Winter and Danforth Streets)

Vitamin D Works Wonders

Happy guy in a baseball cap, walking into the bank out of the 27 degree sunshine: "It's like a balmy summah day today!"

(Overheard by MC at the TruChoice Credit Union)

Street Poet

Congress street gentleman, to passerby: "Diamonds for teeth."

(Overheard by DM on Congress Street)

Anatomical Graffiti

(Seen on Woodmont Street)

Black Market Toe

Middle aged woman: "I'd call the black market, 1-800-BLACK-MARKET, and tell them to just take my toe."

(Overheard by AP at the Falmouth Goodwill)

Be Prepared

Sixty-something woman, to her friend: "It's okay as long as I go to bed before he does and, you know, prepare myself."





(Overheard at Target in South Portland)