Friday, December 31, 2010

My Fluffy and Your Fluffy

Woman in a big winter coat, navigating down an aisle between a display table and another woman at a register: "Okay: I'm right behind you here, and my fluffy is about to rub up against your fluffy!"

(Overheard by MT at Wyler's on Exchange Street)

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Hair Loss

(Seen by Tony on Fore St. Photo Credit: Bennison Hagelin, who had a camera)

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

No Alcoholics Beyond This Point

(Seen at the Irish Heritage Center)

Monday, December 13, 2010

Make Mine Medium Rare

Eleven year old, after listening to several adults discussing someone with Asperger's: "Wait, what are ass burgers?"

(Overheard by MC in the Back Cove Hannaford parking lot)

Friday, December 10, 2010

Sounds Like a Good Deal

Possibly homeless, extremely cheerful man, to young woman: "I'll read you a funny poem for a dollar! I wrote it myself!"

(Overheard by ZWH on Commercial Street)

Sunday, December 05, 2010

Merry Christmas!

Little girl, looking in a shop window: "Look, Mommy! It's Santa!"

Older boy: "Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!"

Even older boy: "Shut the fuck up!"

*Little girl starts crying, mother yells at boy*

(Overheard on Congress Street)

Saturday, December 04, 2010

A Snuggie and a Hot Bath

Crazy man, to barista: "You look very stressed and unhappy. Do you always feel that way, or is it just today?"

Barista: "Uh, just today I guess."

Crazy man: "Well, I hope you have something comforting to go home to. Like a snuggie. Are you gonna take a hot bath when you get home?"

Barista: "Can I help the next person in line?"

(Overheard by ZWH at a Portland cafe)

Friday, December 03, 2010

Not With Those Rubber Bands Around Their Claws, Anyway

Little girl with her face pressed up against a tank of lobsters, hollering to her father: "DADDY! I'm not afraid! They can't hurt me!"

(Overheard at Walgreen's on Forest Avenue)

Thursday, December 02, 2010

Dream Girl

Guy, to his friend: "I shoulda stayed with her. She was debt free...she had a king sized bed!"

(Overheard by KB on Congress Street)

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

America's Next Top Model

Enthusiastic eccentric man, to Starbucks barista: "You look like America's Next Top Model! I watch that show: you look just like her!"

(Overheard at a Starbucks in Portland)

Sunday, November 28, 2010


One lady to another, admiring a five foot tall wooden nutcracker: "But look at the price tag..."

Second lady: "Oh, but it's such a good investment!"

(Overheard at the Christmas Tree Shops in Scarborough)

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Let Us Do You

(Seen on Forest Avenue)

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Does the Trick

One of four gentlemen to his associates: "Hey! My voice is back! See? I told you. All I need is a little booze and my voice comes back."

(Overheard by Captain Confrontation at the corner of India and Congress Streets)

Friday, November 19, 2010

Hunting Season

My sister, to a friend in honor of hunting season: "Here's the deal: if they shoot me, you make sure they eat me!"

(Seen on Facebook)

The Disgusting Facts of Life

One middle school girl to another: "Like seriously, does it have to have that disgusting stuff all over it?"

(Overheard by JP in the girls' bathroom after the sex ed. class where students practice putting condoms on test tubes, at a middle school north of Portland)

Monday, November 15, 2010

Get Fudged First

Kid on a BMX bike, to another kid: "It's like a classic P. Diddy party -- no booze, so you have to get really fudged before you go."

(Overheard by LJ in the West End)

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Bow Tie

Intoxicated, Monchichi-haired young woman to friend: "You could have rocked the shit out of a bow tie. It's your moral obligation to wear a bow tie."

(Overheard by JL outside of Ruski's)

Monday, November 08, 2010

Do Not Fret

(Seen on Free Street by EZ)

Sunday, November 07, 2010

Maybe We Should Just Go In and Find Out

Confused woman, peering at Bard Coffee: "Is it shopping?"

Man: "Hmm. Yeah...I think so?"

Woman: "It's a shopping -- oh, or it's an internet cafe?"

Man: "Oh, that could be."

Woman: "Or a coffee shop maybe?"

(Overheard by M P-S in front of Bard on Middle Street)

Friday, November 05, 2010


(Seen at the Nickelodeon)

Wednesday, November 03, 2010

Voting on the Issues

Elderly woman, chatting with politicians outside of polling place: "I'll vote for anyone that can take care of the damned turkeys in my yard. I had 65 this year!"

(Overheard by JL outside the Italian Heritage Center)

Tuesday, November 02, 2010

Gross Gas

(Seen in Stonington)

Monday, November 01, 2010

Costume Storage

Woman in a Halloween costume which includes a short skirt and a sparkly wig: "My boobs are full of, like, my phone and my keys...."

(Overheard on Congress Street near Otto Pizza)

Sunday, October 31, 2010


First Guy: "They were great! They had this song, it was so good, it went "Murder. Death. Kill. Rape."

Second Guy: "Nice. Catchy!"

(Overheard by DM in Monument Square)

Saturday, October 30, 2010

I.Q. Test

Nine year-old boy #1, watching leaves fall: "It's snowing!"

Nine year-old boy #2: "It's not snowing, Will. Will, do you need to be tested again?"

(Overheard near Nathan Clifford Elementary School)

Friday, October 29, 2010

Think Before You Vote

One Marden's customer to another: "I love Mahden's. But do ya really want Maine to look like Mahden's?"

(Overheard by KB at Marden's)

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Which is Really What Halloween is All About

Little boy, admiring creepy Halloween decorations: “I think the girls’ll be freaked out.”

(Overheard by ES at the Falmouth Walmart)

Wednesday, October 27, 2010


Man on cell phone: "Yo! It's me! Yo, it's me, brother, your Negro friend!"

(Overheard on Congress Street near Green Hand Books)

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

The Age of Consent

Guy: "I love this place! There were a bunch of really hot girls sitting around the statue earlier."

Girl: "They were probably girls from Portland High School."

Guy: "Oh. (Pause) But if they're seniors, that means that some of them might be 18, right?"

(Overheard by ED in Monument Square)

Monday, October 25, 2010


Man, stopping at the Philosophy department's table: "Philosophy! Is that even a real subject?"

(Overheard by JR at the USM open house)

Friday, October 22, 2010

This Fancy Bread Thing

Normal-looking man in line at Hannaford, holding two bags of English muffins, speaking to no one: "I don't know about no bread. See, I play sports - that's what I do, so I don't know about no bread. I'm from New York City, we don't do this, this fancy bread thing. See, this here's the country, in Maine, and that's the city. Yankees win tomorrow, I'll go on back home."

(Overheard at the Back Cove Hannaford)

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Purves, etc.

(Seen by MT in the woods near the Maine/New Hampshire border)

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

It Doesn't Matter

Woman, to bookstore clerk: "Do you have any children's language books? I want to teach someone to speak American. She's from Iraq (pronounced eye-rack)."

Clerk: "Is she an adult?"

Customer: "No, but it doesn't matter."

(Overheard by JF at Borders in South Portland)

Monday, October 18, 2010

Be Safe, Kids

(Seen in Deering Oaks)

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Not Tripping...

Woman, to fellow "healing practices" students: "Now I want to say: I didn't take LSD."

The group: "Okay, sure..."

Woman: "I had a journey where I was farted out of a crazy person and breathed in by star people. Then I popped out as an egg."

(Overheard at a restaurant on Congress Street)

Saturday, October 16, 2010

...Or Not

College-aged girl to a group of friends: "I 'heart' anal. I should have that printed on my mailbox!"

(Overheard by DC in the Old Port)

Friday, October 15, 2010


(Seen on State Street)

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Bad Ass Snickers

Congress Street guy, abruptly crossing the street with a tiny dog on a leash, causing a pickup truck to screech to a halt: "They see Snickers coming, they fucking stop."

(Overheard by DM on Congress Street)

Wednesday, October 06, 2010

So True

Disheveled woman, sitting sprawled with her belongings in a driveway, hollering across the street: "You're gonna deteriorate, motherfucker!"

(Overheard by DM on Congress Street)

Tuesday, October 05, 2010

Moving to Maine

Man on cellphone: "First of all, you're going to need a shovel. For shoveling snow. Yeah. And even more, you'll need an ice scraper. An ice scraper. To scrape the ice off your car. No, see, when the rain falls? It freezes on your car, and you got to scrape it off."

(Overheard in the parking lot at the Back Cove Hannaford)

Monday, October 04, 2010

Mediocre Deli

(Seen on Route 25 in Standish)

Sunday, October 03, 2010

Saturday, October 02, 2010

Big Halloween Plans

Woman, to little boy: "I don't know, maybe Daddy could be Shaggy. Although...I think Daddy would prefer to be Fred."

(Overheard at the Goodwill on Forest Avenue)

Friday, October 01, 2010

Autumn Leaves Drift Down

(Seen at the Greyhound station on Congress Street)

Thursday, September 30, 2010


Eccentric woman, sighing and plucking at her orange sweatshirt: "Oh, look at me. I look terrible, I look like I just rolled out of bed. You ever have days like that?"

Barista: "Yeah."

Eccentric woman: "It's just hard when you have to boil all your clothes."

(Overheard by Margot at Starbucks on Congress Street)

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Deering Oaks/Carnegie Hall

Man on cell phone: "It's a Liza Minnelli at Carnegie Hall crowd!"

(Overheard by N F-S at the Lady Gaga rally to repeal Don't Ask Don't Tell)

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

What Do You Think He Looks Like?

Person One: "What does he look like?"

Person Two: "He's gay."

(Overheard by Kit Marlowe at the Lady Gaga rally to repeal Don't Ask Don't Tell)

Monday, September 27, 2010

And Why Does Mommy Refer to Herself in the Third Person?

Woman pushing a shopping cart, to her toddler child: "Why does Mommy always get afraid to ask? She knows she should, but she's always too afraid."

(Overheard at Target in South Portland)

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Brought to You by Meat

Movie patron, in a loud announcer's voice, responding to a commercial preceding Scott Pilgrim vs The World: "Science! Brought to you by meat!"

(Overheard at the Nickelodeon)

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Gallows Humor

Obese lady in an electric wheelchair, laughing dismissively:  "Does it look like I could die of congestive heart failure?"

(Overheard by Dylan M. at the Rite Aid on Congress Street)

Friday, September 24, 2010

Be Brave

(Seen on Congress Street near Eli Phant)

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Highway to the Danger Zone

College-age guy on plane, holding two pairs of aviator-style sunglasses, to seatmate: "Hey, will you put these on and sing the Top Gun theme song as we take off? You know, 'Danger Zone'?"

Seatmate: "Uh. No, I don't think so."

College guy (sadly): "Wow, somebody around here's gotta do it with me."

(Overheard by MH on a Portland-to-Detroit flight)

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

No Nitrous Required

Little boy on his way into the dentist's office: "I'm already calm."

(Overheard by ZWH at Just For Kids Pediatric Dentistry in Scarborough)

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

It Will Be Awkward

(Seen in the restroom at Bard on Middle Street )

Monday, September 20, 2010

No, Lady Gaga Calls the Shots

Harried mother, dragging her crying child by his forearm: "You do not call the shots -- there's a lot of people here!"

(Overheard in Deering Oaks at the Lady Gaga rally to repeal Don't Ask Don't Tell)

We Have Our Whole Lives Ahead of Us

Hungry Friend 1: (to two people walking past with plates of pizza): "I'm so jealous of your slices!"

Hungry Friend 2: "No, you're not jealous. That pizza is old. We have our whole lives ahead of us."

(Overheard by Kate in front of Otto Pizza on Congress Street)

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Having Zipper Troubles?

(Seen on Congress Street in the window of Antoine's)

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

No Way!

Man with long gray hair and a matching beard, stopping abruptly at the shampoo aisle, in a very loud voice: "Oh no, I'm not going down that aisle -- it smells!"

(Overheard at the back cove Hannaford)

Sunday, September 12, 2010


One fiftyish guy to another: "You know what I hate about walking? The tripping and falling!"

(Overheard by JR in front of the Nickelodeon)

Tuesday, September 07, 2010

Almost 110 Percent, But Not Quite

Young man on cell phone: "Dude, I just want you to know that I'm behind you 101 percent.  101 percent."

(Overheard by CM on Gray Street)

Monday, September 06, 2010

The State of Maine

Middle-aged woman, scowling at broken hand drier, which has an "out of order" sign on it:  "You'd think it would behoove the state of Maine to fix that thing!"

(Overheard in the women's restroom at Wolf Neck State Park in Freeport)

Sunday, September 05, 2010

As the Old People Say

Man standing in line at the bank, to his friend: "As the old people say, I've got too much month at the end of my money!"

(Overheard by DM at Five County Credit Union)

Saturday, September 04, 2010

A Bad Idea

Young woman on her front porch speaking loudly into her cell phone: "Man, I told you that methadone was a baaaaad idea!"

 (Overheard by CM on Tate Street)

Thursday, September 02, 2010

What, this old thing?

Fancy woman, to friend: "Oh this? (gestures to necklace) Pavé diamonds. Fortieth anniversary. Trust me, I deserved it."

(Overheard in Freeport at the Ralph Lauren outlet store)

Wednesday, September 01, 2010

We Need to Pee

(Seen by LT outside the Portland Public Library)

Who Controls the Past

(Seen on Portland Street)

Monday, August 30, 2010

Sidewalk Philosophy

Intoxicated man, to passers-by: "Know so much but be so young. Look inside yourself and find what you want!"

(Overheard on Middle Street)

Saturday, August 28, 2010

All a Man Got

Man, earnestly, to twelve year-old boy sitting beside him: "All a man got in this world is his heart. His heart and his work, that's all a man got in this world."

(Overheard on Free Street)

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Men and Dogs

(Seen by DM on Alder Street)

Thursday, August 19, 2010


Odious, intoxicated man, to Otto Pizza patrons:  "I commandeered this jacket from Nazis during World War II. Do you know what commandeered means?"

(Overheard on Congress Street in front of Otto)

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

For Good Behavior?

Woman in a sun hat, talking loudly on her cell phone: "They let you skype in prison?!"

(Overheard by LT at the farmer's market in Longfellow Square)

Monday, August 16, 2010

Clear Meat

(Seen on Congress Street)

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Fake Accents

Woman in her late 20s, on her cellphone: "I stopped talking in fake accents for you! (In German accent) Or I could talk like this, how about this, huh baby? I'm going to get you back for this! I caffeinated you and I can bring you down!"

(Overheard by AJL on Fore Street)

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Self Defense

Gentleman in mid 50s, to newly homeless gentleman: "They don't consider it self defense when you cut a guy's head off. I was never taught self defense in the military, which you'd think they'd teach you. I was only taught how to kill quietly and efficiently."

(Overheard by AS at the Portland Public Library)

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Have a Happy

(Seen in Deering Oaks)

Saturday, August 07, 2010

Pronunciation Lesson

Guy, to girl: "El Rayo. It's 'rye-o,' not 'ray-o.' That's like saying 'melk.'"

(Overheard at Whitney Art Works)

Friday, August 06, 2010

Mixed Review

Movie theater lady #1: "I don't know, I didn't love it, but I didn't hate it either. I wouldn't give it one star, but I wouldn't give it four. I guess it's a three."

Movie theater lady #2: "Hmmm. I'm mixed. I'm just not sure."

Movie theater lady #1: "Well, that's because you're not a lesbian!"

(Overheard at the Nickelodeon after The Kids Are All Right)

Wednesday, August 04, 2010

Not a Death March

Father to his daughter: "You need to eat something - this is not a trivial hike. It's not a death march, but it's not trivial."

(Overheard in the parking lot at Camden Hills State Park)

Tuesday, August 03, 2010

Straight Outta Portland

One bike-riding high school boy to another: "That's Portland. It's like the next Compton."

(Overheard by the quiet one in South Portland)

Monday, August 02, 2010


Woman, scratching off her Great Grocery Giveaway ticket: "We're playing for a one-dollar prize."

Man: "We could become one-dollarionaires."

(Overheard by TL at the back cove Hannaford)

Sunday, August 01, 2010

Portland Maine Appreciation Club

Enthusiastic young woman, entering Time Lag Records: "This place is sick! I've never been to this town before -- I thought I was just going on a regular family vacation, but this town is crazy!"

(Overheard at Time Lag Records on Congress Street)

Friday, July 30, 2010

Clean After Ur's Dog

(Seen on Congress Street near North Star Cafe)

Thursday, July 29, 2010


Congress Street guy, over his shoulder to an invisible person: "Well, at least it's better than Tijuana!"

(Overheard on Middle Street)

Friday, July 23, 2010


Guy talking on his cell phone in an extremely loud voice while walking behind me: "Dude, I'm on the hunt right now."

(Overheard in Deering Oaks)

Sunday, July 04, 2010

Angry Red Sox Fan

Furious man, pushing bicycle and yelling to himself: "Fucking people with New York Yankees hats. They think they're so fucking gangster."

(Overheard by AJL near Monument Square during Art Walk)

Friday, July 02, 2010

Mr. New England

Guy in his twenties, to friend: "It's all about the girls, you know? All the guys there are meatheads from the midwest. They're not bad guys. It's just that I stand out. I'm Mr. New England -- look at my boat shoes!"

(Overheard on Congress Street during Art Walk)

A Dog and a Half

First woman with small dog on a leash: "What kind of dog is that?"

Second Woman with small dog on a leash: "I don't know, but I figure he's a dog long and half a dog tall."

(Overheard at the farmer's market by ML)

Saturday, June 26, 2010

What you think that's costing us?

Young man on bike: "So, what you think that's costing us? Four cops?"

Older man: "Lots, and what did the kid do?"

Young man on bike: "Nothing, really. He's walking down the street with a holstered gun -- which, by the way, is legal in Maine."

Older man: "That all? Four cops with cruisers for that?"

Young man: "I believe so."

Older man: "Hell, in Pasquale nobody would bat an eye."

(Overheard in front of the Hay building in Portland Square)

Friday, June 25, 2010

Book Lovers

Guy #1, perusing a bin of one dollar books: "People don't appreciate books anymore since they got computers, but where did the first computer come from?"

Guy #2: "I dunno."
Guy#1: "A book. Yeah, think about it."

(Overheard by JR on Congress Street)

Carpenter, Forester, Golfer or ?

(Seen in Middle Street parking lot)

Monday, June 21, 2010

I Don't Like That Word

Woman in her late 20s, to friend: "That's my new thing. I block pregnant women on Facebook. Please don't send me fetus updates -- I don't like that word."

(Overheard by AS at Downtown Lounge)

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

If Nothing Else...

Woman on the phone with a kid in each arm: "Well, listen honey. You're kind, you're sweet, you're're MEXICAN! The whole fuckin' package!"

(Overheard by Anthony at the Old Port Festival)

Friday, June 11, 2010

Kids These Days

Woman to friend: "I love my grand kids, but their status updates are so boring."

(Overheard by JR in a Portland doctor's office waiting room)

When Did the Skies Become So Beautiful?

Man with long gray hair, wearing a karate outfit, to a group of tourists: "MMM, isn't the air today so nice? And my clothes, they're so soft! And and and the leaves are luscious. And that man's dinner jacket fits so well [he gestures to a tourist in a dinner jacket]! Mmm, and my clothes, mmm, my clothes are so soft. AND MMMM [slowly becoming more and more agitated and manic] MY CLOTHES ARE SO SOFT. HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN? WHEN DID THE SKIES BECOME SO BEAUTIFUL? MMMMM EVERYTHING IS SO NICE!"

(Overheard by LJ in Longfellow Square)

Wednesday, June 09, 2010

A Very Special Congress Street Moment

First guy on stoop: "Suck it, barbershop motherfucker."

Second guy on stoop
: "Yeah, motherfucker."

Woman on stoop: (Vomits copiously all over the sidewalk).

(Overheard by DM on Congress Street)

Tuesday, June 08, 2010


Female employee: "I don't like to drink. It gives people an excuse to be stupid."

Male employee: "I like excuses."

(Overheard by MP at the South Portland Goodwill)

Monday, June 07, 2010

Hi Mom!

(Seen on Exchange Street)

Friday, June 04, 2010

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

They're Certainly Dressed For It

One very skinny aged man in a long, flowing white robe and head scarf to another (nearly) identical man: "We are now prepared for that day when Jesus appears in the clouds!"

(Overheard by DM at Mesa Verde)

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Or Maybe Your Chicken

Keynote speaker at Model U.N., visiting from India: "And remember, the world is your rooster!"

(Overheard by ZWH at USM Gorham)

Saturday, May 22, 2010


Furiously smoking woman, leaning out of her car window: "Excuse me! Excuse me! Is this the way to the hospital and the jail?"

(Overheard by MH on Brighton Avenue)

Friday, May 21, 2010

F**k Love

(Seen on Forest Avenue)

Monday, May 17, 2010

Who Asked You?

(Seen on Deering Avenue)

Monday, May 10, 2010

Vacuum Cleaner

Late 20's Woman #1: "Hey, how was your date to that party?"

Late 20's Woman #2: "I'm here to tell you I might as well have been dancing with a vacuum cleaner."

Woman #1: "Oh! Well, at least he was easy on the eyes."

(Overheard at Coffee By Design)

Sunday, May 09, 2010

The People I Kill

Clerk, to large, bug-eyed man with a Mohawk and a portable oxygen tank: "Excuse me sir, are you next?"

Man: "No, I do believe these young ladies are next [gestures to two boys]. I don't cut in lines: the people who cut in lines are the people I kill."

(Overheard by LJ at Cumberland Farms)

Saturday, May 08, 2010

It's Undeniable

(Seen at the Nickelodeon)

Friday, April 23, 2010

Dog Years

Woman: "My dog died last week."

Man: "Oh, I am sorry to hear that, it must be hard."

Woman: "Well, he was old."

Man (wistfully): "I wonder when they will ever discover a cure for dog years."

(Overheard by JR in Monument Square)

Saturday, April 17, 2010


Belligerent drunk man, angrily: "You have a simple life; you just sit and eat asparagus all day."

(Overheard by AS at Krista's in Cornish)

Friday, April 16, 2010

A Goat and a Wild Horse, To Be Specific

Eighth grade boy: "So, there are two new teachers at school. They both look like forest creatures."

(Overheard on Brighton Avenue)

Saturday, April 10, 2010


Loud woman on cellphone in movie theater: "My mother's big joke was 'you could rob a bank with a booger.'"

(Overheard at the Nickelodeon)

Monday, April 05, 2010

What Next?

30ish woman to man pushing a baby carriage and walking about ten feet in front of her: "I didn't want a tattoo. I got it cause you wanted it! And now you want a big screen TV!"

(Overheard on Congress Street)

Thursday, April 01, 2010

Vegan People

Older man, wearing a camouflage hat and speaking loudly to his seatmate in a strong Boston accent: "I love being with vegan people. They think different."

(Overheard on the Concord Trailways bus from Portland to Boston)

Sunday, March 28, 2010


Three year old girl in grocery cart, to stranger: "Pants on fire..."

(Overheard by Artemis in Hannaford)

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Track and Field

Garrulous, elderly woman, to passing stranger: "Boy I'm exhausted! That last track meet really took a lot out of me."

(Overheard on Free Street)

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Planning Ahead

Older cashier to man with 18 month old baby girl in shopping cart: "You'd better get a shot gun to keep the boys away from that one!"

Man to cashier: "Already got one."

(Overheard by KL at Marden's)

Sunday, March 21, 2010


Dad to child: "So, do you know how to tell when the tide's out?"

5ish little girl: "Yup -- when the bottom of the ocean is up!"

(Overheard on Mackworth Island)

Not Really

Man, to companions: "I want to buy a ladder. But I don't want to buy a ladder. You know what I mean?"

(Overheard on Willard Beach, South Portland)

Tuesday, March 16, 2010


50ish woman: "Well, I'm not so good at sitting still."

50ish man: "That's why it's called a meditation practice."

(Overheard at the Good Egg)

Monday, March 15, 2010

Second Time's a Charm

Loquacious man, to friends: "Well, the two of us -- we're on our second marriage. And this time, she's like a completely different woman."

(Overheard at the Udder Place)

Sunday, March 14, 2010

In the Dressing Room

Woman: "She always wears bras that are a size too big for her. But she likes it that way!"

Other woman
: "Soon, I'll probably do what my mother does -- she doesn't even wear a bra anymore!"

Woman: "Who could blame her?"

(Overheard by Margot in the Target dressing room in South Portland)

Thursday, March 11, 2010

The Hole

Convenience store worker (shouting across the parking lot): "Did you get it straightened out?"

40-something woman shouting back: "I can't find the hole!"

Convenience store guy: "Have your husband or somebody look at it for you."

(Overheard by MP in Gorham)

Tuesday, March 09, 2010

The Boring Revolution

Eighth Grader: "Betsy Ross was number 8 out of 17 kids!"

English Teacher From Out of Nowhere: "Well, there wasn't much to do back TV, no fridge."

(Overheard by LMB at King Middle School)

Sunday, February 28, 2010

World War One

American History Teacher: "Foxholes were disgusting back then. They were full of rats and feces. I actually got to go in one once."

Student: "Yuck, you went in a foxhole? Were there rats and feces in there?"

American History Teacher: "No! There were no feces in the foxhole!"

(Overheard by Margot at a Portland public high school)

Saturday, February 20, 2010


(Seen by Crystal on Cottage Road, South Portland)

It's a Small World After All

Words written on a note found on the ground: "My heart stopped too when you texted me. Maybe I'll run into you again. The world ain't that big. So be ready."

(Overheard by LMB on Brighton Avenue

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

The Barter System

Girl to friend: "He traded one of his chickens for a dime bag. No! Three dime bags!"

(Overheard by MD on Munjoy Hill)

Sunday, February 14, 2010

The Sweatpants Treatment

Woman to Friend: "I expect that kind of treatment when I am wearing sweatpants, but this is a nice sweater" (unzips coat to reveal sweater).

(Overheard by JR in the Old Port)

Saturday, February 06, 2010

Today's Art History Lesson

Guy on cellphone: "I am at the Art Walk. ART WALK... you walk around and look at art in galleries and stuff. It is art, so I figure there have to be some pictures of naked chicks somewhere."

(Overheard by JR on Congress Street)

Friday, February 05, 2010


Princess: "If you come by my house tryin' to start a fight you best call 911! You ain't gonna f*** with Princess!"

(Overheard on a Portland street by JE)

Monday, February 01, 2010

Crazy Aunt Karen

Customer, to friend, looking at an insane shirt with sequins and squiggles: "It reminds me of Aunt Karen!"

(Overheard at Forever Twenty-One by Artemis)

Crow on the Street

(Seen at the corner of Temple and Middle Street)

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Dinosaur Cloning 101

Student #1: "My professor looks just like the professor from Jurassic Park, same glasses and everything. He even talks like him."

Student #2: "That must be such a cool class!"

(Overheard by JR at USM)

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Difficult Questions

Eight year-old, to parents: "So, what is sex?"

Dad: "Uh...well..."

Eight year-old
: "And also, what are cargo pants?"

(Overheard by MR in Yarmouth)

Sunday, January 10, 2010

What A Catch

Blond martini-sipping woman: "Wow, the chef used to be hot...but isn't he hotter now that his wife is pregnant?"

Brunette martini-sipping woman
: "I think it's the beard. But yes, hot then, hot now. I need another martini. Was that last one strong?! He's hot and he sells a strong martini. What a catch!"

(Overheard by Delilah at Evangeline)

Thursday, January 07, 2010

Personal Space

Teacher, to students: "I hear that in Europe, they stand so close to people -- they stand like this!" (Demonstrates.) "We are not in Europe, people. And we just had a terrorist attack a couple of weeks ago. So give people their personal space."

(Overheard by Margot at a Portland High School)


Thirty-something woman: "I'm getting a coffin from Walmart. Rollback prices what!"

(Overheard by MB at a potluck in the West End)

Bad Trip

Late 50ish patron to barista: "You're making that decaf, right? I mean, caffeine would be like a bad trip. And I've never had a bad trip!"

(Overheard at Coffee By Design)

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

Snow in May

Man to friend: "You think this is snow? Wait til April or May! Now that's snow!"

(Overheard on Spring Street)

Sunday, January 03, 2010


Red Cross babysitting instructor: " avoid getting burns on the genitals."

Babysitting student: "Teacher, what's genitals?"

Instructor, awkwardly: "Well, they're, uh, your sexually private areas."

(Babysitting students giggle hysterically.)

(Overheard by JA at a Red Cross babysitting class)

Friday, January 01, 2010

Cold Heart

Shopper: "It's cold out there!"

Cashier: "'s still about 55 degrees warmer than my wife's heart...also 55 degrees warmer than my body if she ever hears that shit..."

(Overheard by MB at Shaw's on outer Congress Street)