Friday, November 08, 2013

Your Mom

Written on the bathroom wall: "Only those bold enough to dream big seem big."

Written underneath: "Your mom must dream really big."

(Seen by IWH in the restroom at the South Portland Goodwill)

Wednesday, October 16, 2013


Elderly gentleman #1, looking up: "Man, I really like fall. Do you like fall?"

Elderly gentleman #2, also looking up: "Yeeaahh."

(Overheard by MA on Preble Street)

Tuesday, October 15, 2013


Woman on cell phone: "He's great when he's sober. He's just never fucking sober."

(Overheard by AB near the Eastland Park Hotel)

Monday, October 14, 2013

Real Swell

Guy to friends: "Chris is real swell. He bailed me out of jail."

(Overheard by AB in front of Paul's Food Center)

Saturday, October 12, 2013

The Dog Whisperer of Maine

One lunch lady to another: "Yeah, he charges $175 a day."

Second lunch lady: "Wait, who?"

First lunch lady: "The dog whisperer of Maine!"

(Overheard at Casco Bay High School)

Friday, October 11, 2013

Hate Crime

Woman, earnestly: "I like those wood carvings, but I feel that they are a hate crime against trees."

(Overheard by JR at First Friday Art Walk)

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Quiet Dad, You're Embarrassing Me

Man, smelling his jacket: "Man, this jacket smells like butt."

(Overheard by IWH in the waiting room of Just For Kids Pediatric Dentistry)

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

You Should See My Dentist

Middle aged man, looking at his phone, to no one in particular: "God, my pharmacist is gorgeous."

(Overheard by DM at Local Sprouts)

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Three Things

Hip grandma to friend: "Fireworks are one of the three illegal things I enjoy."

(Overheard by JR at Crema Coffee)

Monday, September 09, 2013


30-year-old-nerdish guy to bored-looking 70-year-old-lady: "You know, if you asked me what my favorite type of 18th-century sailing ship is, I'd have to say...a Bermuda-rigged topsail sloop."

(Overheard by BD on the Metro bus)

Monday, August 26, 2013

New Trader Joe's Slogan: It's Real Wine--The Good S***.

First guy: "Man, I like to get a 42 ounce can of Arizona Iced Tea. Drink like half and then fill it up with Wild Irish Rose...sit on the porch. Just watch people walk by."

Second guy: "I do that too."

First guy: "Wild Irish Rose?"

Second guy: "No. I hate that shit. Man, real wine's just three or four dollars more. Shit, $2.87 at Trader Joe's. It's…"

First guy: "What? Trader Joe's?"

Second guy: "Two-buck Chuck. Fucking $2.87 and it's real wine. The good shit."

First guy: "Wow. Where?"

Second guy: "Trader Joe's. It's like a supermarket."

First guy: "Man. (Lets out a long sigh.) I wish I could find that place."

(Overheard by BD on the Metro bus)

Saturday, August 24, 2013

Jerry at the Yellow House

Drunk guy #1: "You seen Jerry lately?"

Drunk guy #2: "Naw. I don't go to the yellow house anymore."

Drunk guy #1: "He's fine through the first 40, but then he gets the second one in him and he's crazy. He was this morning, anyway."

(Overheard by BD on the Metro bus)

Friday, August 23, 2013

Work Ethic

First drunk guy: "You up for another 40 now?"

Second drunk guy: "I don't have time for a 40. I gotta go to work."

(Overheard by BD on the Metro bus)

Thursday, August 22, 2013

High Standards

Stout fellow in business suit, to companion: "Basically, I have to get Jesus to pee on it before he'll take it."

(Overheard by TC on Congress Street)

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Which They All Promptly Did

Father, to sons: "Now lift up your arms, and let the wind rush into your armpits!"

(Overheard by DM in front of the Nickelodeon)

Saturday, August 17, 2013

Do You Even Need to Ask?

Little girl to father: "Daddy, are seagulls really rats with wings?"

(Overheard by AH in front of the Portland Museum of Art)

Friday, August 16, 2013


Dad (trying to get two kids to stop pushing each other): "Hey, hey, hey!"

(No response from the kids)

Dad (yelling): "Hey, hey means hey!"

(Overheard by JR at the Portland Farmers Market)

Monday, July 22, 2013

Use Your Words

Woman #1: "My boyfriend is here in real life now--I gotta go."

Woman #2: "IRL."

Woman #1: "I don't know what that means."

(Overheard by JR at Aurora Provisions)

Friday, July 19, 2013

A Match Made in Heaven

One person to another: "You always seemed like a perfect couple because you both dream about unicorns."

(Overheard by JR at Crema)

Friday, July 05, 2013

Can't Have Too Many

One man to another, pointing out the bus window: "My friend Jimmy stole a buncha nipple rings from that place."

(Overheard by DM on the Metro bus to the Maine Mall)

Thursday, July 04, 2013

Fighting Words

Hipster dude, discussing a friend: "That guy has the worst beard I have ever seen."

(Overheard by JR at LFK)

Monday, June 24, 2013

Us Neither

Man, to group of friends: "But like, I just can't imagine having diarrhea that often!"

(Overheard by MS in Monument Square)

Friday, June 21, 2013

Any Day Now

Teenage girl, to friend: "I can't wait for 8-tracks to be popular again."

(Overheard by MV at Port City Music Hall)

Friday, May 31, 2013

Light Bulb

Woman, screaming up and down the street after dark: "Do you have a light bulb I can borrow?!"

 (Overheard by TB on Boynton Street)

Tuesday, May 21, 2013


Woman to friend: "I mainly watch shows where bad things happen to celebrities."

(Overheard by JR at Speckled Ax)

Friday, May 10, 2013

History Lesson

Young woman: "I feel like a slave of Egypt...In the Holocaust."

(Overheard by CW on Sherman Street)

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Facing the Facts

Woman on cellphone: "You don't got no furniture! You been smokin' coke, too!"

(Overheard by MB in Hannaford)

Friday, April 12, 2013

Whale Tail

70-ish guy with a slow southern drawl: "A whale tail? You know what a whale tail is, right? It's the top piece of a woman's thong. You know, she's bending over a bit, and you see the top part. The whale tail."

Toothless, townie guy at the nearby bar (with a drink in his hand):  "Hey man, you've been on the Internet, haven't you?"

(Overheard by MH at J's Oyster)

Friday, April 05, 2013

In or Out

Tall man, wearing a hat, to no one in particular: "There's only one way in or out: BURN ALIVE."

(Overheard by DM on Congress Street)

Thursday, March 14, 2013

A Select Clientele

Woman to Male Friend: "I want it to be the kind of place that attracts artists and musicians, not riffraff."

(Overheard by JR at Arabica)

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Sacrifice for Savings

Woman (pointing to a box of macaroni and cheese): "I buy these at Walmart."

Second Woman: "Are they a good deal?"

Woman: "I never eat them, so they are a great deal for me."

(Overheard by JR at the USM campus store)

Saturday, March 09, 2013

Don't We All?

Scruffy-looking older guy, to pal: "I wonder what cavity searches are like..."

(Overheard by HC at the corner of Franklin and Commercial Street)

Friday, March 08, 2013

Meteorology Dreams

Guy, to dining companions: "I love weather research--it's where my heart is."

(Overheard by WH at Applebee's in Portland)

Thursday, March 07, 2013

The Truth

Girl in line, to sales clerk: "Let me tell you thumthing. If thumone tellth you that it doethn't hurt to get your tongue pierthed, don't believe them--it thure doeth hurt!"

(Overheard by KC at the CVS on Congress Street)

Wednesday, March 06, 2013

The Dating Game

Young man on cell phone: "Yeah, she's a functioning drug addict. Unlike my last girlfriend, who was just an asshole."

(Overheard by BS outside the Portland Public Library)

Tuesday, March 05, 2013

Between Popes

One old salty dog to another: "Fish n' chips? Fish n'chips? Why you gettin' fish n' chips instead of chili?"

Second salty dog: "It's Friday. Gotta eat fish on Friday."

First salty dog: "No you don't! Ain't no pope: you can eat chili!"

(Overheard by Mindy at Three Dollar Deweys)

Monday, February 25, 2013

Prince Charming

Woman to friend: "I know he smokes crack and wets the bed sometimes, but he's all about me."

(Overheard by VB in the women's restroom at Spring Point Tavern)

Saturday, February 23, 2013

How About if I Give You 50 Cents NOT To?

Fellow pushing a cart, to young woman: "Hey, excuse me. If I tell you a joke...will you give me 50 cents?"

(Overheard by MS on Congress Street near Joe's Smoke Shop)

Friday, February 22, 2013

Baby's First Word

Woman: "I'm teaching my baby to say 'chakra!'"

(Overheard by HC in Mexicali Blues)

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Both Trendy and Useful

Guy: "I don't question fashion, I just follow the trends!"

Woman: I just don't understand what makes cargo shorts out but fanny packs in, you know what I mean?"

Guy: "At least you can store your drugs in either one."

(Overheard by AS on Congress Street)

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Anarchists vs Libertarians

Mother to teenage son: "Well, anarchists frustrate me sometimes, but libertarians make me sick."

(Overheard near USM)

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Cutest Cities

Man to woman: "It's cute in San Francisco. It's not cute in Portland, Maine."

Woman to man: "Patrick! Yes it is!"

(Overheard by IWH on Exchange Street)

Sunday, January 06, 2013

Sweet Potato Fries and Broccolini

Man perusing frozen grocery section: "...broccolini..."

Kid in cart: "Sweet potato fries!"

Man: "Oho, but we're going to make our own sweet potato fries, aren't we? But yes, you're right, those are premade sweet potato fries."

(Overheard at the Back Cove Hannaford)