A Pigeon By Any Other Name

Two year-old (pointing to bird): "Pee-jun."

Hip young dad: "Yes, that is a pigeon. Another much prettier name for it is Rock Dove."

Hip young mom: "Oh yes, that is much prettier for a name. It is a dove, after all. We'll call it a Rock Dove from now on!"

Two year-old (pointing to bird): "Pee-jun."






(Overheard by KC outside Longfellow Books)

Conspiracy Theorist

Normal-looking middle-aged woman: "I could tell you things that'd make your head spin. Especially about nine-eleven of 2001."





(Overheard by SP at Coffee By Design on Congress Street)

Pride

Young man on cell phone: "No, Mom, I refuse to work there. A chain? There's no pride in working at Applebee's, Mom."






(Overheard by AJL on the Metro bus)

Married Life

Old drunk man: "My wife asked me to take out the garbage. I told her, 'You cooked it--you take it out.'"




(Overheard by MK at Amigos)

Soulmates

One haggard old man to another: "You know and the shitty thing is she didn't realize that we both love dolphins."





(Overheard by HC outside of the Time and Temperature building)

Fun and Games

One woman to another, shouting: "IT'S ALL FUN AND GAMES UNTIL SOMEONE GETS CUT WITH A RAZOR BLADE. Actually, even then I guess it could still be fun, but y'know..."





(Overheard by MS in front of Reny's)

Money

Panhandler, replying to pedestrian: "'Sorry.' Yeah, I'll be sorry, too, when I have money."





(Overheard by LW in Monument Square)

Like a Boot

Hipster 1: "Why doesn't LL Bean brew beer?"

Hipster 2: "Yeah, that would be really popular..."

Hipster 1: "But I guess we know how it would taste--like a boot."





(Overheard by AW at Hilltop Coffee Shop)

State Street Confucius

Bald man, to passerby: "Trying to have a good night, sir. But disrespect is disrespect, ain't it?"




(Overheard by DM on State Street)

The Morning After

20-something woman in gold lamé leggings, to friend: "There was so much safe sex going on in that room last night."





(Overheard by AP at 11:20 am on Congress Street)

If You Want

Weathered man, to group of weathered men, in a very matter-of-fact conversational tone: "I have my knife with me. I could put it in him if you want."





(Overheard by MS in front of the Station A Post Office on Congress Street)

You're Thinking of Congress Street

Old man to young woman: "Fuck this street! Where are all the freakshows?"





(Overheard by AJL on Free Street during Art Walk)

Kind of fun

Young man, to friend: I went to the pep rally and it was no fun. Until that girl broke her leg, and then it was kind of fun."




(Overheard on Brighton Avenue)

All Soft and Fluffy

Woman to man: "When I was a kid they used to call me biscuit butt cause, you know...how biscuits rise up all soft and fluffy."




(Overheard by JS at Burger King)

I Hate When That Happens.

Young man to young woman: "You know what I hate about Facebook? I hate when someone posts a picture of me on their wall and it's my mug shot."




(Overheard by KC on Elm Street near the Metro Pulse)

Bad Chi?

Guy number one to guy number two: "I was in a really bad mood when I was making chai."




(Overheard by SD at Local Sprouts)

Farmer's Market Philosophy

Woman (buying two pumpkins, a peck of apples, and cider) : "I just love fall!"

Man behind counter: "Fall is all right, I just don't like what comes next."

Woman: "You could say the same about living, and I try to enjoy that."




(Overheard by JR at the Westbrook Farmer's Market)

Backstory

Young Segway tour guide, to older tourist lady, also on a Segway: "...so I moved to Portland a year ago to get sober, and I've lived here ever since!"

Lady: "Oh, that's so nice!"




(Overheard on the Eastern Prom Trail)

Another Street Poet

Male voice, 10:00 am, to the tune of 40 ounce beer bottles being opened: "Death, I think, is the only real destination we got. Oh, it sucks."




(Overheard by MS on Avon Street)

Why Yes, They Do.

Southern lady straight off a cruise ship: "Excuse me, sir. Do all of these people work at the same place? They're all using the same laptop."





(Overheard by AS at Crema Coffee and Bakery)

That Communism Shit

Metro bus passenger, looking out at the OccupyMaine event in Monument Square: "Shit, it's those Communists--all that Occupy shit. Obama started that Communism shit when he was in Chicago." (short pause)  "I'm even sober now, too."





(Overheard by KC on the Metro #1 bus)

And Yet, There's No Synonym for "Thesaurus"

Man, arguing with woman: "There's more ways to say 'Fuck you' besides 'Fuck you!'"





(Overhead by JW in Monument Square)

Everyone Knows That.

First barista, to second barista: "Businessmen love Black Sabbath."

(Overheard at Speckled Ax)

Demon Bus

Loud street preacher, to passers-by: "Do you think he was driven by demons?"





(Overheard by DG outside King of the Roll)

A Dinosaur on the Bus

Tiny boy, to his mom: "I'm a tall tall dinosaur, mom. Mom? Dinosaurs eat your face."





(Overheard on the Concord Trailways bus from South Station to Portland)

The Trouble With Painting

One woman to another: "I really do like painting, but sometimes it's just too wet."






(Overheard by MH in front of the Portland Museum of Art)

24/7

Frustrated young man, to friend: "Yeah man, Maine has been nothing but bad luck for me. I'm going back home to Vegas. At least there I can score drugs 24/7 once my check comes in."





(Overheard by BS at Hannaford)

Psychotic Multi-tasking

Man (talking loudly to self while pretending to push buttons on a small notepad): "I AM FUCKIN' TEXTING!"






(Overheard by JR on Congress Street)

A Foolish Purchase

Woman on cellphone, to man: "She says it's seventy-five dollars."

Man: "How much?"

Woman: "Seventy-five. She don't know the value of a dollar."

Man: "Well, how old is it?"

Woman: "She says it's two years old."

Man: "What?!" Seventy-five dollars for a two-year old cat? I thought it was a kitten!" (Grabs cell phone.) "It's two years old? You're stupid. You're stupid. I don't even want to look at it. Go ahead, do whatever you want." (Hangs up.)

Woman: "I told you, she don't know the value of a dollar."





(Overheard at the Back Cove Hannaford)


*The first reader to correctly guess what was in their shopping cart gets a special gift!

It's Sad to See a Catch Phrase Die

Man to friends, well to anyone, repeatedly: "I am single, bilingual, and ready to mingle."






(Overhead by JR at Local 188)

Child Rearing 101

Woman #1 with barefoot toddler and stroller: "I need to change this one's diaper. It stinks!"

Woman #2 with barefoot toddler and stroller: "Do you have any cream for her butt?"

Woman #1: "Yeah, she has a bit of a rash. They gave me something for jock itch and said that should work just fine."

Woman #2: "Cool."




(Overheard by KC on the #1 Metro bus)

Done.

Man, getting into running car, to woman: "The car's been on this whole time?"

Woman, to man: "Yeah. Fuck the environment."







(Overheard by IWH in the Target parking lot in Augusta)

LGBT...C?

Woman, very seriously, to another woman:  "Oh I totally understand, I have a transgender cat."





(Overheard by MI on the patio at David's Restaurant)

Respect

Man's voice: "I beat people up for you and this is how you treat me?!"





(Overheard by @burnsy06 on Congress Street)

First Love

Smoking guy to smoking girl: "You know what, though? I'll never get over the mother of my child."





(Overheard on Preble Street)

Sounds Interesting

One middle-aged female tourist to another: "...he was down there a long time, and I couldn't see what he was doing!"





(Overheard by DM in Monument Square)

Young Adult

Young man on bike: "Stop being such a fucking teenager."

Young woman on bike: "You're a teenager too."

Young man on bike: "Nuh uh, I'm a fucking young adult."





(Overheard on Middle Street)

For the First Time

Clerk: "Oh, you've got a birthday coming up!"

Customer: "Yeah, I'm gonna be 30 for the first time, man."





(Overheard by EB at Beverage Barn in Rockland)

You Know How They Are

Middle-aged woman on cell phone: "...and the dogs are gonna be pissed, 'cause I told them I would only be working til noon, and you know how vindictive they can be."





(Overheard by AJL on Middle Street)

Stupid Americans

Swankily-dressed, agitated young Russian woman on the largest cell phone seen since the '70s, who had just apparently been asked to keep her voice down: "Не волнуйтесь. Люди здесь являются слишком глупый понять, что я говорю." (Translation: "Don't worry. People here are too stupid to understand what I'm saying.")




(Overheard by TN at the Scarborough Walmart)

Wish List

Female MECA student, to friends: "I've had a Storm Trooper costume in my Amazon.com shopping cart for, like, months. It's 70 dollars. But I really want one."

Friends: (complete silence.)




(Overheard by JF outside Casablanca Comics on Free Comic Book Day)

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Woman on cell phone: "If you respected your wife you wouldn't have another woman's panties under your bed!"




(Overheard by TC on Spring Street)

Affirmation

Some allegedly white man: ‎"I'm white. I'm white. I'm a white man, you hear me? I'm white. I'm not black, I'm white. I'm white. I'm white."





(Overheard by DM from a window above Congress Street)

Bug Light

Teacher: "That's Bug Light out there!"

Third grader: "That's what my dad drinks, Bud Lite!"





(Overheard by SB at the Portland Observatory)

Such a Hypocrite

Drunk girl: "Are you serious? You're wearing cutoffs and you don't even smoke pot. That makes you a hypocrite."




(Overheard by JC while walking up Munjoy Hill)

Oh, That Charlotte

Friend One: "Hey, did you see Charlotte?"

Friend Two: "Charlotte? The last time I saw her, she was a zombie at Battery Steele!"

Friend One: "Yeah, she still is."




(Overheard at Space Gallery)

Management 101

Woman to friend: "Delegate, delegate, delegate, and take credit."





(Overheard at Crema by JR)

Spirits

Young, stylish, blonde woman: "Some people have spirit animals. I have a spirit starch and it's a potato."





(Overheard by AT at Victoria Mansion)

Oh.

Passerby, to woman with dog: "He's cute, what breed is he?"

Drunk woman with dog: "He's dying of kidney cancer."





(Overheard by DS in Bangor)

Superpower

Goodwill employee to friend, discussing a possible book plot: "That's it. I sneeze, the dragon dies."





(Overheard by EM at the South Portland Goodwill)

The Thirteenth Step

Slightly disheveled woman, to friends: "I'm in the program, so I always need something in my hand. That's why I always have a Poland Spring water. But really, Dasani's my favorite."





(Overheard in Monument Square)

Give That Man a Dollar

Panhandler's homemade cardboard sign: "What the Fuck?? It's Just a Buck!"





(Seen by MP outside the Hay Building)

Multitasking

Seven year-old boy: "I can walk the walk and talk the talk. But not at the same time."






(Overheard by LBE at Jet Video)

Medical Advice

Woman on cellphone: "I am pretty sure that you can drain the pus and talk on the phone at the same time."





(Overheard by JR on Chadwick Street)

Mustache Party

First guy: "Don't I know you? Were you at that mustache party the other night?"

Second guy: "Uh, yeah! Maybe!"

First guy: "The one at Matty's, right?"

Second guy: "Oh, no. I wasn't at that one."






(Overheard by MR at Otto)

Time Travel

Kid Number One, to Kid Number Two, playing inside a steampunk "time machine": "It's my turn. You've been in there for years."




(Overheard by JR at  the Victoria's Wonderama  show at Victoria Mansion)

Don't.

Young woman, smoking and yelling into cell phone: "Shit fucking Christ! Don't masturbate on a photo of me, then take a picture of it, and then text the picture to me!"





(Overheard by MH on Portland Street)

Street Poetry

Heavy Metal Rick,* to passerby: "You could die and be reborn with a bag of Santa Claus money and still not make it."





(Overheard by DM on Pine Street)

*the guy who plays an electric guitar while riding his bike.

Like a Dog

Woman on cell phone: "I know, I couldn't believe it when I heard it. I had to shake my head like a dog shakes its ears."





(Overheard at Target in South Portland)

We Love Your Money

Man with Connecticut plates feeding a meter: "Jesus, everywhere I go in this state I have to pay."

Passing Portlander: "IT'S CAUSE WE LOVE YOUR MONEY!"






(Overheard by SL on Commercial Street)

Go, team

Apparently homeless man, to Japanese pedestrian: "GO KOREA!"





(Overheard by SP on Congress Street)

Plans

Dude with a Maine accent and a baseball cap: "Hell yeah, I'm going to a fucking hotel to get drunk."




(Overheard by DM on Portland Street)

Wait, What Day Is It?

20-something woman to 20-something man: "I think it's, like, National Go Grocery Shopping Day."





(Overheard at the Back Cove Hannaford)

Spilled Beer

Guy on cell phone: "Well, you know I only cry over spilled beer."





(Overheard by Anonymous at the South Portland Target)

Uh Oh

Sports fan, to a friend: "If the Patriots lose, I'm going to burn a car. Then I'm going to stab the first Giants fan I see. You're safe, because I know you. But the next one I see is getting stabbed."





(Overheard by PM at the Front Room)

A Future

One 20-something woman: "I know you never thought I had a future with him."

Second 20-something woman: "He has a face tattoo."

First woman: "So?"

Second woman: "So, having a face tattoo is just like saying: 'Eff you, society. I never want a job with benefits.'"





(Overheard by MAJ in Monument Square)

Childhood Dreams

Coffee-drinking man #1: "It's not like I ever told my mom that I wanted to work at B&M my whole life."

Coffee-drinking man #2: "No little boy dreams of pig guts."




(Overheard by JR in front of Cumberland Farms)

Check-a-Date

One 20-something woman to another: "I used Check-a-Date, where you can get a background check on your date. Well...I was single for five years."





(Overheard by RJC at a Portland Pirates game)

Wouldn't Miss It

Young man: "Join us for the first official meeting of Maine's only facial hair club."





(Overheard by LKW outside Hannaford)

The Talk

Woman talking to friend: "It is going to be our first road trip together so we had to have the talk."

Friend: "What talk?"

Woman: "You know, deciding which podcasts we will listen to."





(Overheard by JR at Arabica)

Outside

Woman to friend: "Well, I don't smoke. So I never go outside."





(Overheard by GB at Planet Fitness)

Then Why are You Eating at Anthony's?

Truly obnoxious kid: "Our parents are rich. That's why we have all this money."






(Overheard by ARA in Anthony's Italian Kitchen)

Lady, You Could Not Be More Wrong

Woman on cellphone: "No one wants two books for their birthday. No one."





(Overheard by JR on Congress Street)