If I Had a Nickel

Barista, after customer apologized for putting bacon into recycling bin: "If I had a nickel for every time someone dropped something that wasn't recyclable in there I'd own LL Bean."






(Overheard by EL at Coffee By Design in Freeport)

Done.

Man on cellphone, scratching his butt: "I gotta get rid of my ego."






(Overheard on Exchange Street)

You Should Know Better

20-something tourist woman, to 20-something tourist man: "I don't like when you light anything on fire. And you should know that."






(Overheard on Commercial Street)

The Good Old Days

Fiftyish man, to woman: "Remember that time I punched up Stephen Stills?"




(Overheard by JB in the Hannaford parking lot)

The Good Stuff

Woman, to skinny male companion: "Oh, I forgot the coffee brandy. Go get some, and don't get the cheap stuff. Get the Allen's."







(Overheard by EB in line at a Portland grocery store)

Gotta Catch 'Em All

Teenage boy 1: "...yeah, in like Piscataquis or something..."

Teenage boy 2: "What is Piscataquis?"

Teenage boy 1: "I don't know, it's like a place up north in Maine. It sounds like a Pokemon!"

(Pause)

Teenage boy 3: "DUDE. It does sound like a Pokemon!"






(Overheard by MF on Willard Beach)

Three Long Years

Large woman in her 30s: "Wow, I haven't been swimming in three years."

Her equally large sister: "That's cause you've been pregnant for the last three years!"






(Overheard by JP at Sebago Lake)

Pizza Delivery For...

Shirtless young man on a cell phone: "WIENER, man! I period C period Wiener!"






(Overheard by TW on Danforth Street)

Why?

Drunk Guido guy, locked in an amorous embrace with bleached blonde woman: "Why'd you grab my dick?"

Blonde woman, giggling drunkenly: "Because it's fahkin' hot, God!"







(Overheard by CS on Exchange Street, near Novare Res)

Welcome to Portland

Exceptionally tall woman: "Buuurrrrrpppp."

Tourist man: (Look of utter shock).

Tall woman: "Sorry, homeboy. Welcome to Portland!"








(Overheard by EB outside the Porthole)

Can't Decide

One custodian to another: "I can't decide if I want to be a man or a woman today."






(Overheard by KW at the Maine Mall)

You've Had Enough

First guy: "I like it cause you can drink as much as you want."

Second guy: "Yeah, I hate when it's like, 'Whoa, whoa, you've had enough.'"








(Overheard on Brighton Avenue)

Good Plan

Teenage girl: "I'm gonna get really tan and then die young so I don't get that gross, leathery look."







(Overheard on the Bagheera schooner in Casco Bay)

PBR

One hip 20-something to another: "PBR won its blue ribbon in like 1893 or something."

Second 20-something: "That's why their beer sucks. The last award it won was like 200 years ago!"

First 20-something: "That is bad math. Also, PBR won a gold medal at the American Beer Festival in 2006."







(Overheard by MW on the East End Beach)

Skeevy Neighborhood

Fiftyish man, to friend: "I remember when the Old Port was such a skeevy neighborhood that our parents forbid us to come here."







(Overheard on Fore Street)

Who is He?

First dressed-up young woman: "When we see him let's totally pretend we don't know him!"

Second dressed-up young woman: "Uh...I don't know him."








(Overheard on Fore Street)

Steak

Man in pickup truck, to young woman: "Hey, do you like steak? This car is full of steak! Hey, did I mention that I love you?"








(Overheard by ZWH on Marginal Way)

Pigeon Love

First plain-clothed cyclist to second: "Did you see that guy!? He just kissed that pigeon!"







(Overheard by CM and SV at Congress and High Streets)

Inside Joke

One Trader Joe's employee to another: "Do you have any xylophones?"

Other Trader Joe's employee: "Oh yeah!"







(Overheard at Trader Joe's)

Iced Coffee

Man carrying beer up Munjoy Hill: "So this crackhead totally smashed a coffee pot in the store today--chucked it at this dude's head."

Second man, concerned: "Was it iced coffee?"








(Overheard by A on Munjoy Hill)

Crazy Neighbors

12 year old girl, to two younger children: "So, this house is where our neighbor who doesn't own a car lives. The boy's grandmother has a car, but they don't. They walk everywhere!"







(Overheard by Captain Confrontation on Munjoy Hill)

No Search Warrant

Angry man yelling on telephone: "I don't care what she said, they didn't have a search warrant!"






(Overheard by JC near the Nickelodeon)

Fancy Clothes

Smoking woman to man: "Fuck all my bitchy co-workers and their fancy clothes."







(Overheard on Congress Street)

Tired

Woman to friends: "I mean, I'm like so tired of Nazis...that's what she said!"







(Overheard by AF at the Dogfish Bar and Grille)

Plans

Drunk woman to friends: "Tomorrow morning we're going to shop our shit out at Hannaford's."







(Overheard by AS at Portland Lobster Company)

After the Fireworks

Awkward preteen girl to even more awkward preteen boy: “Halley said she wants you to ask her out under the fireworks after the game. She said she will seriously cry of happiness if you do that, okay?”

Preteen boy: “You’ve already told me three times, just stop.”

Preteen girl: “Michael, you can’t act like a boy about this! Do you know how serious this is?! She said she will cry with happiness if you ask her out!”

(Overheard by GS and RS at the Sea Dogs)

Epilogue: He ended up asking her out, after being bullied throughout the entire game by the group of ten preteen girlfriends.

Just Kidding

High school student, enthusiastically, to his friends: "Hey, who wants to check out the gay bar?!"

(Long, silent pause.)

High school student, abashed: "Just kidding."







(Overheard by AF on Fore Street)