Tastes Like Chicken

Woman, to friend: "Chicken is the tofu of meat."




(Overheard by JR at Space Gallery)

Everyone Loves the Beach

Woman #1: "I can't believe that she even dated someone who doesn't like the beach."

Woman #2: "Does she really like going to the beach?"

Woman #1: "EVERYONE LOVES THE BEACH."

Woman #2: "He doesn't."

Woman #1: "That's my point--he is the exception."





(Overheard by JR on Temple Street)

Magic Hat

Student: "I like to wear a hat when I study, because then I feel productive."




(Overheard by ARA at UNE)

Jack the Ripper

9 year old girl (reading poster): "Who's Jack the Ripper?"

11 year old girl: "He victimized women in London in, like, the 1800s."

9 year old: "Why did he do that?"

11 year old:  "Because he was a woman hater."

9 year old: "Well, that's just stupid."




(Overhead by EL at Portland Ballet)

Aphrodite

(Two fifth grade boys discussing which Greek gods they're pretending to be)

First boy: "Well I think you'd make a great Aphrodite!"

Second boy: "Oh what, you're calling me beautiful? I can live with that!" 





(Overheard by JH on the Ocean Avenue School playground)

The Benefits are Questionable

Youngish guy, shouting: "The benefits? The benefits!? The benefits are herpes!"




(Overheard by JH through the window on Emery Street)

Maybe She's Thinking of Marigolds

Enthusiastic middle-aged tourist lady, examining a gross-looking seagull feather on the sidewalk: "Who needs to go to India where they throw roses? There are feathers everywhere!"



(Overheard by ZWH on Congress Street)

Time Travel and Everything

One guy to another: "When you describe it to me, it doesn't sound like something I'd be interested in...I mean, time travel and everything."



(Overheard at Yordprom Coffee Co)

My Philosophy

Hard living busker guy: "Burn through the night, fuck up the day."




(Overheard by JR in Monument Square)

Hipster Wedding

Hipster lady: "I arrived at my wedding on a cow. Behind a cow. I was driving the cow, from a wagon."




(Overheard by JSF on Crescent Beach)

Process of Elimination

Boy (to father): "Is this City Hall?"

Father: "Yes."

Boy (to me, waiting in line to pay parking ticket): "Are you the Mayor?"

Me: "No, sorry."

Boy (to father): "I am going to keep asking. Someone in this building has to be the Mayor."




(Overheard by Mayor JR at Portland City Hall)

Fan Club

Middle school boy #1: "I love Scarlett Johansson!"

Middle school boy #2: "I love Scarlett Johansson too!"

Middle school boy #1: "Yeah, she just, like, kills everybody!"





(Overheard in front of King Middle School)

Grown-ass

One 12 year-old to another: "You got mothafuckin' chest hair and shit. You a grown-ass man. You can't be riding a mothafuckin' BMX no more."




(Overheard by AS near the old Public Market building)

Sweet!

First kid: "Simple syrup, what's that?"

Second kid: "It's just water with a ton of sugar in it."

First kid: (Raises eyebrows at friend.)

Second kid: (High fives first kid.)






(Overheard by KJ at Omi's Coffee Shop)

Dangerous Game

One kid to another: "You know what's so bad about four square? People get mad at each other and it ruins friendships...but I'm really good!"




(Overheard by AN at the Reiche Community School playground)

Can You Hear Me Now?

50-something woman, to friend: "I didn't want to spend $100 a month, so I switched to T-Mobile and now I save a ton because I can never use my phone anywhere."




(Overheard by AS at the Westbrook Cinemagic Stadium Theater)

SQUIRRELS

Disheveled guy who looks like Slash, to passing woman: "SQUIRRELS!"




(Overheard by @emmisaurus in the West End)

Happy Mother's Day!

Woman shopping for candy, to little boy: "Jack, come on. Jack, Jack, Jesus, I'm so tired of you today. Jack, I'm going to call the cops on you. Listen, do you hear me? I'm calling the cops--on you!"




(Overheard by MH at Walgreen's on Mother's Day)

Listen to Grandma

Older woman, clearing a garden bed, to younger woman loading a Chevy Tahoe with booster seats: "I told them, you ever try to pull that in front of me or the kids again, I'll throw you both down the stairs."




(Overheard by KK on Preble Street in South Portland)

Clap Your Hands if You Believe

Teenager, in a group of friends, falling suddenly to his knees and calling into a sewer grate: "Come to me! Come to me, fairies!"




(Overheard by DM near Tommy's Park)

Red Sox Fan

Loud airline passenger, as his plane began its descent over Citi Field, home of the New York Mets: “Wow! Look! Yankee Stadium! Cool!” And then more quietly, “I hate the fucking Yankees."




(Overheard by MP on a PWM to LGA flight)

An Observation

Beer-swilling Sea Dogs fan, every time the opposing team's pitcher threw the ball: "PITCHER HAS A BIG BUTT!"



(Overheard by JR at Hadlock Field)

Hirsute Derriere

Teenage boy, to friends: "Did you like that Snapchat of my hairy ass?"

Teenage girl: "I thought that was your arm! Asses get that hairy?"




(Overheard by CC on Clinton Street)

No, I Didn't

Smiling man with a hand-lettered cardboard sign reading: “Did you know Liberce (sic) was bald?”



(Seen by DC on Middle Street)

Chim Chiminey Chim Chim Cheree

Older gruff man in work shirt to similarly dressed man: "I could make a killing in this town. Sweeping chimneys, man? I could make a killing."




(Overheard by IWH near Joe's Super Variety Store)

White Lines

70-something lady to her older gentleman companion: "I only do cocaine when I'm not home."




(Overheard by LEB at Silly's)

It Gets Better

Young woman, to friend: "You've gotten a lot better. I've only seen you puke that bad twice. I used to worry you'd puke on my couch when you'd stay over."




(Overheard by AS at Jimmy the Greek's in South Portland)

Ask a Silly Question

Woman: "I see you have a watch on. Do you know what time it is?"  

Little boy: "It's right now!"



(Overheard by LR at 302 West Smokehouse & Tavern in Fryeburg)

Your Mom is Everywhere

Future bridesmaid, to other future bridesmaids: "Now my mom has Snapchat."



(Overheard by AS at Jimmy the Greek's in South Portland)

THAT'S Ohio

First college girl: "I can't even imagine what Ohio is like."

Second college girl: "Okay, I'm going to this American themed party. I have to wear, like, America all over my body and drink beer all night. In a bar. THAT'S Ohio."



(Overheard at the Portland Transportation Center)

Free At Last

School bus driver, hollering out the window: "Juny Judeson retired! He just walked off! He's on a cruise now!"




(Overheard by IWH on a Portland Public School bus)

Actually, Good Question

Person #1, to Person #2: "You have an iPhone? What's the "i" stand for?"




(Overheard by RC at the Gulf of Maine Research Institute)

You Know Me

Middle-aged guy, to his buddy: "You know me, sometimes I wear pants."




(Overheard by TEK at Mama's Crowbar)

Reading Comprehension

Woman to Friend: "Oh my God, I just realized that this novel I have been reading is YA. It has a reading guide at the end and everything."




(Overheard by JR at Arabica)

Good Idea

Man in bathroom stall, on cell phone: "I'm going to try drinking some cranberry juice to see if that helps."



(Overheard by AS at Target)

Job Hunting

Young woman, to her friend: "I mean, I can't work at Target. I'm a Bates graduate!"




(Overheard quite a bit south of Portland)

Zero Dollars

Little kid: "Dad, why don't they make a $0 bill?"

Dad: "Well, what would you do with it?"

Little kid: "Pretend it's a $50 bill?"




(Overheard by BD on the Metro bus)