Can you help me?

Intoxicated man, holding cellphone in outstretched hand: "Can you help me...? Can you help me...? Can you finish this text message for me??"

(overheard on Congress Street)

Bits, like shells washed up

Five year old in green swim suit, running: "Mommy! Look, it's a sea shell!"

Teenage girl, with friends: "Och, Och, the sand is hot."

Another teenage girl, to friends: "I guess I'll take off my pants. Oops, that didn't sound right."

Her friend: "If I could get as dark as Ivy, my life would be complete."

Random male to other random male as he stops to check him out: "Hey, don't you go to Blackstones?"

30ish women on cell phone "Push the crazy mixed drinks. I want her to have to make a butt load of Pina Coladas."

Young child running out of the water to her dad: "I'm hungry and I'm cold. I'm going to build a moat."

Woman in bike shorts: "What a glorious day!"



(Overheard at Willard Beach)

Goodwill

Cape Camp Director: "Lost and Found items that are not picked up will be taken to Goodwill."

Cape Young Camper: :"What's Goodwill?"





(Overheard in Cape Elizabeth)

Martha's Vineyard

Kid: "Mom, what's Martha's Vineyard?"

Mom: "It's an island off the coast of Massachusetts."

Kid: "Oh! I thought it was a theme restaurant."






(Overheard somewhat south of Portland)

Witness Protection?

Waiter: "Visiting from England?"

Matronly, British-sounding woman: "No! People have a hard time believing I'm from Limerick, Maine."

Waiter: "Oh...I'm going to put your dip order in now."





(overheard at the Oak Street Bistro in Alfred, Maine)

Deity with Purple Hair.

Older man: "You are a deity!"

Young woman with wild purple hair: "Oh?"

Older man: "Do you know what that means?"

Young woman: "No."

Older man: "That's okay, it doesn't mean you aren't one, it only means you'll have to learn to grow into what it means to be one!"





(overheard in Monument Square during the Farmer's Market)

Sad

Screaming woman, walking behind a guy who is pushing a shopping cart full of bottles: "I hate you! Your place is sad! You sit with (offensive term omitted here)! I hate you!"






(Overheard by DM on Congress Street)

Recycling

7 year old: "Now, instead of throwing things away, I like to recycle. I recycle everything! (After a pause) I like to help Earth."

Know your landmarks

Woman: "This isn't the beach. It's the ocean!"

Man: "Oh, really?"

Woman: "The Atlantic Ocean."





(Overheard at Popham Beach in Phippsburg.)

Good Cop/Bad Cop

Drunk Guy: "You be the good cop, I'll be the bad cop. Which is awesome cause you're bigger and I'm littler!"







(Overheard on Congress Street near the Eastern Prom before the fireworks)

Oops

Teenage boy, to his friend: "You know, man, Kaitlin's looking pretty hot tonight."

Friend: (unintelligible)

Teenage boy: "I didn't mean to hit her in the face!"







(Overheard by MH after the fireworks on the Eastern Prom)

Street Soap Opera

Very intoxicated woman, to equally intoxicated man: "Listen to me: listen, wouldja? It's a marriage of convenience."








(Overheard on Park Street)

Lazy

Woman 1: "You know, I really don't like Kristin."

Woman 2: "What, 'cause she's mean?"

Woman 1: "No, 'cause she's lazy! I mean, come on, if you can't walk around for two hours then you have a problem. It's not strenuous. We are not asking her to jog."

The Inheritance

Older man, to boy with phone at next table: "You talkin' to California?"

Boy's mom: "No, we are at Starbucks."

Older man: "You got a rich aunt out there! Be good to her!"

It was a Good day in the Neighborhood!

One trash guy to the other: "Oh, my gosh - these cookies are still warm."

(later the same day)

Young man to his lady friend: "Of course they love me! I just got new socks."




(overheard by Hanson's Carriage House Antiques)

Here's Where Math Skills Come in Handy

Gushy Woman (admiring adorable baby): "How old is she?"

Mom: "She just turned one."

Gushy Woman (noticing the baby's brothers): "How old are they?"

Mom: "One is three, and one is five."

Gushy Woman: "Twins?"

Mom: "Um, no."






(Overheard by JSF in Monument Square)

Musical

Preschooler (emits a long fart, then contemplates for a while): "Sounds like jazz!"






(Overheard by Dorcas Beaver at a Portland area preschool)

What's The Big Deal?

Young zombie girl, with deathly pale skin, long reddish braids, many wounds and bloodstains, and one arm: "Why is everybody staring at me? So I only have one arm - it's not that unusual!"






(Overheard at Zombie Kickball on the Eastern Prom in the rain)

Career Paths

Man: "She was a post hole digger. She put in fence posts for the county. This was after the money-laundering."



(Overheard on Park Street)

President Ninja

First thirteen year-old boy: "I love Obama."

Second thirteen year-old boy: "Me too, I love Obama. He's a ninja."

First thirteen year-old boy: "Yeah, he is a ninja."







(Overheard on Brighton Ave)

I think I'll let the Universe Step Up to the Plate

Cashier, to woman buying lottery tickets: "Do you keep the ones that aren't winners?"

Woman (shaking her head): "I think I'll let the universe step up and help me become a winner. Easy pick. Though if I don't win, it doesn't mean the universe doesn't love me. Just not my turn."






(overheard at Hannaford on Forest Avenue in the morning)

Sunshine Scat Mid-week

30-ish brunnette women by voice, approximately 5'8ish walking down the street, I could only see her head as her voice called out to no one for the sheer act of Singing.

A clear voice singing Scat that was so full of Joy!



Thank you! After so much rain it was a gladness to hear joy vs. complaints about the weather.





(overhead from a window on Park Street, around 8:30pm)

It's Gonna Be an Awesome Party

Macho guy on cellphone, standing in line with his shopping cart: "Yo, I got a 30-pack of Coors Light and some Dunkeroos, bro!"





(Overheard at Hannaford)

A World of Work

Bedraggled guy talking to himself on Congress Street at 10PM: "It's a premonition! Stay away from me, I have a world of work to do."





(Overheard by DM on Congress Street)

That is SO Portland

Portland voter: "I love gay marriage. And I would vote for the freaking dog catcher if she were a democrat."






(Overheard by J J-M at the June 12th special election)

Sick

Young boy watching friend play Gameboy: "Sick! Sick! Sick!"

Friend, playing Gameboy: "I am not throwing up!"

First boy: "I know! It's just awesome!"

It's a miracle!

Teenage girl to mother using Slap-Chop: "Mom, you are Vince! My mother is the Chosen One!"

Dawn's Announcement

Girl on Phone: "Well, whatever you do, it won't be as bad as the time Dawn stood up and told everyone she was a racist."






(Overheard by M P-S at Material Objects)

A Perfect Example of Why You Shouldn't Ask That Question

Woman number one: "So, are you pregnant?"

Woman number two: "No, I'm just fat."






(Overheard by MH in an office waiting room in Portland)

Indoor Cat

Catch-playing girl number one: "Your cat's name is Tigger? That is like the most unoriginal name ever. I bet that there are a million cats named Tigger."

Catch-playing girl number two: "So? He'll never know: he's an indoor cat!"






(Overheard by JR on the Western Prom)