When Did the Skies Become So Beautiful?

Man with long gray hair, wearing a karate outfit, to a group of tourists: "MMM, isn't the air today so nice? And my clothes, they're so soft! And and and the leaves are luscious. And that man's dinner jacket fits so well [he gestures to a tourist in a dinner jacket]! Mmm, and my clothes, mmm, my clothes are so soft. AND MMMM [slowly becoming more and more agitated and manic] MY CLOTHES ARE SO SOFT. HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN? WHEN DID THE SKIES BECOME SO BEAUTIFUL? MMMMM EVERYTHING IS SO NICE!"



(Overheard by LJ in Longfellow Square)

A Very Special Congress Street Moment

First guy on stoop: "Suck it, barbershop motherfucker."

Second guy on stoop: "Yeah, motherfucker."

Woman on stoop: (Vomits copiously all over the sidewalk).




(Overheard by DM on Congress Street)

Excuses

Female employee: "I don't like to drink. It gives people an excuse to be stupid."

Male employee: "I like excuses."




(Overheard by MP at the South Portland Goodwill)

Hi Mom!

(Seen on Exchange Street)

Hold Your Head Up

(Seen on Free Street)

I Can't Decide Between the Cherry and the Buttscotch

(Seen on Brighton Avenue in Westbrook)

They're Certainly Dressed For It

One very skinny aged man in a long, flowing white robe and head scarf to another (nearly) identical man: "We are now prepared for that day when Jesus appears in the clouds!"





(Overheard by DM at Mesa Verde)

Or Maybe Your Chicken

Keynote speaker at Model U.N., visiting from India: "And remember, the world is your rooster!"




(Overheard by ZWH at USM Gorham)

Lost

Furiously smoking woman, leaning out of her car window: "Excuse me! Excuse me! Is this the way to the hospital and the jail?"





(Overheard by MH on Brighton Avenue)

F**k Love

(Seen on Forest Avenue)

Who Asked You?

(Seen on Deering Avenue)

Vacuum Cleaner

Late 20's Woman #1: "Hey, how was your date to that party?"

Late 20's Woman #2: "I'm here to tell you I might as well have been dancing with a vacuum cleaner."

Woman #1: "Oh! Well, at least he was easy on the eyes."




(Overheard at Coffee By Design)

The People I Kill

Clerk, to large, bug-eyed man with a Mohawk and a portable oxygen tank: "Excuse me sir, are you next?"

Man: "No, I do believe these young ladies are next [gestures to two boys]. I don't cut in lines: the people who cut in lines are the people I kill."



(Overheard by LJ at Cumberland Farms)

It's Undeniable

(Seen at the Nickelodeon)

Dog Years

Woman: "My dog died last week."

Man: "Oh, I am sorry to hear that, it must be hard."

Woman: "Well, he was old."

Man (wistfully): "I wonder when they will ever discover a cure for dog years."

(Overheard by JR in Monument Square)

Asparagus

Belligerent drunk man, angrily: "You have a simple life; you just sit and eat asparagus all day."




(Overheard by AS at Krista's in Cornish)

A Goat and a Wild Horse, To Be Specific

Eighth grade boy: "So, there are two new teachers at school. They both look like forest creatures."




(Overheard on Brighton Avenue)

Wait...What?

Loud woman on cellphone in movie theater: "My mother's big joke was 'you could rob a bank with a booger.'"





(Overheard at the Nickelodeon)

What Next?

30ish woman to man pushing a baby carriage and walking about ten feet in front of her: "I didn't want a tattoo. I got it cause you wanted it! And now you want a big screen TV!"




(Overheard on Congress Street)

Vegan People

Older man, wearing a camouflage hat and speaking loudly to his seatmate in a strong Boston accent: "I love being with vegan people. They think different."






(Overheard on the Concord Trailways bus from Portland to Boston)

Shakira?

Three year old girl in grocery cart, to stranger: "Pants on fire..."

(Overheard by Artemis in Hannaford)

Track and Field

Garrulous, elderly woman, to passing stranger: "Boy I'm exhausted! That last track meet really took a lot out of me."

(Overheard on Free Street)

Planning Ahead

Older cashier to man with 18 month old baby girl in shopping cart: "You'd better get a shot gun to keep the boys away from that one!"

Man to cashier: "Already got one."




(Overheard by KL at Marden's)

Tides

Dad to child: "So, do you know how to tell when the tide's out?"

5ish little girl: "Yup -- when the bottom of the ocean is up!"








(Overheard on Mackworth Island)

Not Really

Man, to companions: "I want to buy a ladder. But I don't want to buy a ladder. You know what I mean?"





(Overheard on Willard Beach, South Portland)

Practice

50ish woman: "Well, I'm not so good at sitting still."

50ish man: "That's why it's called a meditation practice."





(Overheard at the Good Egg)

Second Time's a Charm

Loquacious man, to friends: "Well, the two of us -- we're on our second marriage. And this time, she's like a completely different woman."




(Overheard at the Udder Place)

In the Dressing Room

Woman: "She always wears bras that are a size too big for her. But she likes it that way!"

Other woman: "Soon, I'll probably do what my mother does -- she doesn't even wear a bra anymore!"

Woman: "Who could blame her?"




(Overheard by Margot in the Target dressing room in South Portland)

The Hole

Convenience store worker (shouting across the parking lot): "Did you get it straightened out?"

40-something woman shouting back: "I can't find the hole!"

Convenience store guy: "Have your husband or somebody look at it for you."




(Overheard by MP in Gorham)

The Boring Revolution

Eighth Grader: "Betsy Ross was number 8 out of 17 kids!"

English Teacher From Out of Nowhere: "Well, there wasn't much to do back then...no TV, no fridge."




(Overheard by LMB at King Middle School)