Outside

Woman to friend: "Well, I don't smoke. So I never go outside."





(Overheard by GB at Planet Fitness)

Then Why are You Eating at Anthony's?

Truly obnoxious kid: "Our parents are rich. That's why we have all this money."






(Overheard by ARA in Anthony's Italian Kitchen)

Lady, You Could Not Be More Wrong

Woman on cellphone: "No one wants two books for their birthday. No one."





(Overheard by JR on Congress Street)

Home For the Holidays

20-something girl: "Hey, I live in South Portland and I am trying to get home for Christmas--you got two bucks?"





(Overheard by KC in Monument Square on Christmas Eve)

Pathetic is the New Cool

Hipster discussing his favorite hip hop performer with a friend: "What I like about him is that he is so pathetic that he doesn't even try to be more than pathetic."





(Overheard by JR at Arabica)

Mall Security

Man sweeping the floor, to woman sitting on a bench: "You know what they call that? Mall security."





(Overheard at the Maine Mall)

Seven Years

Guy to friend: "Hey, what's up with your brother? What'd he get?"

Friend: "Seven years."

(Raucous laughter from group of friends.)






(Overheard by JL in Monument Square)

Dinner

Woman to friend: "Let's just get baby carrots and brainstorm!"





(Overheard by JR at the Back Cove Hannaford)

Judged

Very loud woman on cell phone: "What the fuck else am I supposed to do? Huh? What the fuck? No, I told you, I'm judged because I'm fat. I'm called a slut. I don't have any teeth, people tell me go get new teeth. ‎I'm not fucking anyone but you, I swear. Look, I gotta go. (Pause, then to friend): "Let's go smoke a blunt."




(Overheard by PL in the main branch of the Portland Public Library)

Aphorism

Landscaper to coworkers: "Thinking is like money: I never have either, but neither do me any good." 





(Overheard by JR on Chadwick Street)

Too Much Bath Salts

Concerned yuppie-type woman, to Shaky Bob (a.k.a. Shaky Pete/Bobby Roberts), who was lying on the sidewalk: "Are you okay? Can we call someone for you? Did you take too much bath salts?"





(Overheard by EB at the corner of Spring Street and High Street)

Fantastic

Cashier, to man: "How are you?"

Man, loudly: "I'm fantastic! It's my birthday! And I'm a homosexual!" (pause, then to smiling customer) "Bitch."




(Overheard by MR at the Catholic Charities Thrift Store on St. John Street)

Down South

50-something, possibly homeless man: "I need money for beer so I can go down south."






(Overheard by SP outside Joe's Smoke Shop on Congress Street)

Bucket List

One 20-something woman to another: "Yeah, I've started going to bars where the names go through the alphabet, A to Z. It's part of my bucket list."






(Overheard by PR at Planet Fitness)

Adult Things

Energetic young woman: "So, do you still have the same probation officer?"

Sullen young man: "No, she just does juvie stuff. I do adult things now."






(Overheard by BS on Congress Street)

Casinos No

Young woman to her boyfriend: "No, you can't have a scratch ticket! You're the reason we can't have casinos in Maine."






(Overheard by @iwasthewalrus near the scratch ticket machine at Hannaford on Forest Avenue)

Stilettos

One extremely fashion-conscious young woman to another: "Are you really going to have a closet full of stilettos when you live in a place where you can never wear them?"






(Overheard by LF at The Local Buzz in Cape Elizabeth)

Me and Britney

Young smoking mother, to friends: "That used to make me so mad, when people called Britney Spears fat. Cause we were, like, the exact same size then. So I'm like, 'What the hell? You calling me fat?'"






(Overheard in front of the Portland Public Library on Congress Street)

Cat Lady

Old woman to her friend: "I don't know who talks to me more, my stones or my cats."







(Overheard by EN on Free Street)

Protocol

Woman pushing baby stroller, to friend: "And then I told her, if you have full-blown AIDS, you are NOT supposed to be working with the food!"





(Overheard by LA on Oxford Street)

Nice Vest

Scruffy 50-something man, to a passerby, politely: "Excuse me! Nice vest! (Turns to his buddies, also scruffy 50-something men) Either go to the hospital or die! Anaphylactic shock!"






(Overheard by MB outside Matthew's)

Teach Your Children Well

Little boy bringing a movie from the horror section to his father in the family movie section: "Dad, you're not going to like the cover, but you told me never to judge a book by its cover, and a movie is like a book."






(Overheard by JR at Videoport)

Boys Vs Girls

Grocery bagger, to cashier: "Boys or girls?"

Cashier: "Two boys, girl in the middle. If I'da known then what I know now, I'da figured out a way to make 'em all boys."





(Overheard at Hannaford)

Also Known as Sunlight

Man to Hannaford employee (gesturing to rain, arms wide open): "Isn't this great, liquid radiation!"






(Overheard by JR in the Hannaford parking lot)

Real Men

Drunk woman, screaming:  "Real men eat pussy!"





(Overheard by DM on Brackett Street)

LP

Young woman on her cell phone: “I finally figured it out. LP stands for long playing!”





(Overheard by NK at the corner of Pearl Street and Middle Street)

Or the Weather Channel

Sharply-dressed young man to two scruffy guys: "Hey, do you know what the weather's going to be like tonight?"

Scruffy guy number one: "No."

Sharply-dressed man: "Maybe you should watch the news."

Scruffy guy number one to scruffy guy number two: "What the fuck is he talking about?"






(Overheard by JF on Preble Street)

Text Me?

Early 30's man, speaking to a woman walking several yards in front of him: "If you're gonna ditch me for your ex-boyfriend, at least give me a fuckin' text."





(Overheard by DM on Free Street)

Whatever

Woman to man: "What do you want for dinner? Sushi? Whatever, you're cooking."






(Overheard by EB at Hannaford in Rockland)

Don't Knock Like a Cop

20-something woman, restraining large pitbull, to two baggy pants wearing 20-ish men: "When you get up to the door, knock loud. But not, you know, not like a cop loud!"





(Overheard by AN on Congress Street)