For the First Time

Clerk: "Oh, you've got a birthday coming up!"

Customer: "Yeah, I'm gonna be 30 for the first time, man."





(Overheard by EB at Beverage Barn in Rockland)

You Know How They Are

Middle-aged woman on cell phone: "...and the dogs are gonna be pissed, 'cause I told them I would only be working til noon, and you know how vindictive they can be."





(Overheard by AJL on Middle Street)

Stupid Americans

Swankily-dressed, agitated young Russian woman on the largest cell phone seen since the '70s, who had just apparently been asked to keep her voice down: "Не волнуйтесь. Люди здесь являются слишком глупый понять, что я говорю." (Translation: "Don't worry. People here are too stupid to understand what I'm saying.")




(Overheard by TN at the Scarborough Walmart)

Wish List

Female MECA student, to friends: "I've had a Storm Trooper costume in my Amazon.com shopping cart for, like, months. It's 70 dollars. But I really want one."

Friends: (complete silence.)




(Overheard by JF outside Casablanca Comics on Free Comic Book Day)

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Woman on cell phone: "If you respected your wife you wouldn't have another woman's panties under your bed!"




(Overheard by TC on Spring Street)

Affirmation

Some allegedly white man: ‎"I'm white. I'm white. I'm a white man, you hear me? I'm white. I'm not black, I'm white. I'm white. I'm white."





(Overheard by DM from a window above Congress Street)

Bug Light

Teacher: "That's Bug Light out there!"

Third grader: "That's what my dad drinks, Bud Lite!"





(Overheard by SB at the Portland Observatory)

Such a Hypocrite

Drunk girl: "Are you serious? You're wearing cutoffs and you don't even smoke pot. That makes you a hypocrite."




(Overheard by JC while walking up Munjoy Hill)

Oh, That Charlotte

Friend One: "Hey, did you see Charlotte?"

Friend Two: "Charlotte? The last time I saw her, she was a zombie at Battery Steele!"

Friend One: "Yeah, she still is."




(Overheard at Space Gallery)

Management 101

Woman to friend: "Delegate, delegate, delegate, and take credit."





(Overheard at Crema by JR)

Spirits

Young, stylish, blonde woman: "Some people have spirit animals. I have a spirit starch and it's a potato."





(Overheard by AT at Victoria Mansion)

Oh.

Passerby, to woman with dog: "He's cute, what breed is he?"

Drunk woman with dog: "He's dying of kidney cancer."





(Overheard by DS in Bangor)

Superpower

Goodwill employee to friend, discussing a possible book plot: "That's it. I sneeze, the dragon dies."





(Overheard by EM at the South Portland Goodwill)

The Thirteenth Step

Slightly disheveled woman, to friends: "I'm in the program, so I always need something in my hand. That's why I always have a Poland Spring water. But really, Dasani's my favorite."





(Overheard in Monument Square)

Give That Man a Dollar

Panhandler's homemade cardboard sign: "What the Fuck?? It's Just a Buck!"





(Seen by MP outside the Hay Building)

Multitasking

Seven year-old boy: "I can walk the walk and talk the talk. But not at the same time."






(Overheard by LBE at Jet Video)

Medical Advice

Woman on cellphone: "I am pretty sure that you can drain the pus and talk on the phone at the same time."





(Overheard by JR on Chadwick Street)

Mustache Party

First guy: "Don't I know you? Were you at that mustache party the other night?"

Second guy: "Uh, yeah! Maybe!"

First guy: "The one at Matty's, right?"

Second guy: "Oh, no. I wasn't at that one."






(Overheard by MR at Otto)

Time Travel

Kid Number One, to Kid Number Two, playing inside a steampunk "time machine": "It's my turn. You've been in there for years."




(Overheard by JR at  the Victoria's Wonderama  show at Victoria Mansion)

Don't.

Young woman, smoking and yelling into cell phone: "Shit fucking Christ! Don't masturbate on a photo of me, then take a picture of it, and then text the picture to me!"





(Overheard by MH on Portland Street)

Street Poetry

Heavy Metal Rick,* to passerby: "You could die and be reborn with a bag of Santa Claus money and still not make it."





(Overheard by DM on Pine Street)

*the guy who plays an electric guitar while riding his bike.

Like a Dog

Woman on cell phone: "I know, I couldn't believe it when I heard it. I had to shake my head like a dog shakes its ears."





(Overheard at Target in South Portland)

We Love Your Money

Man with Connecticut plates feeding a meter: "Jesus, everywhere I go in this state I have to pay."

Passing Portlander: "IT'S CAUSE WE LOVE YOUR MONEY!"






(Overheard by SL on Commercial Street)

Go, team

Apparently homeless man, to Japanese pedestrian: "GO KOREA!"





(Overheard by SP on Congress Street)

Plans

Dude with a Maine accent and a baseball cap: "Hell yeah, I'm going to a fucking hotel to get drunk."




(Overheard by DM on Portland Street)

Wait, What Day Is It?

20-something woman to 20-something man: "I think it's, like, National Go Grocery Shopping Day."





(Overheard at the Back Cove Hannaford)

Spilled Beer

Guy on cell phone: "Well, you know I only cry over spilled beer."





(Overheard by Anonymous at the South Portland Target)

Uh Oh

Sports fan, to a friend: "If the Patriots lose, I'm going to burn a car. Then I'm going to stab the first Giants fan I see. You're safe, because I know you. But the next one I see is getting stabbed."





(Overheard by PM at the Front Room)

A Future

One 20-something woman: "I know you never thought I had a future with him."

Second 20-something woman: "He has a face tattoo."

First woman: "So?"

Second woman: "So, having a face tattoo is just like saying: 'Eff you, society. I never want a job with benefits.'"





(Overheard by MAJ in Monument Square)

Childhood Dreams

Coffee-drinking man #1: "It's not like I ever told my mom that I wanted to work at B&M my whole life."

Coffee-drinking man #2: "No little boy dreams of pig guts."




(Overheard by JR in front of Cumberland Farms)