Herbivores

Middle school kid, to friend: "I'm pretty sure Canadians are herbivores."






(Overheard by Anonymous at a Portland middle school)

Smart People

Young woman to friend: "Naomi Watts--she is in all those movies that smart people like."






(Overheard by JR at Videoport)

Then Again...

One young man to another: "Just because you smoke crack doesn't make you a crackhead...but then again, it does."






(Overheard by STF near OhNo Cafe)

On Point

Young woman to friend: "In other news, my eyebrows are on point today."





(Overheard by LW in Augusta)

Important Things

Woman to friends: "That dress was everywhere--Facebook, the Today Show. Shouldn't we be talking about more important things? Leonard Nimoy died. Shouldn't we be talking about how cool he was?"



(Overheard by JR at The Holy Donut)

Someone, Show Her How!

Older woman, plaintively: "I wish I knew how to text."




(Overheard by JR at Maine Medical Center)

Tacos

Woman 1: "Do you need any taco shells?"

Woman 2: "Why?"

Woman 1: "I have so many of them at home."

Woman 2: "Why do you have so many?"

Woman 1: "I buy them for the taco packets they come with, but I never eat that many tacos. I just put it on the meat and eat it that way."

Woman 2: "Why don't you buy the seasoning separately?"

Woman 1: "You can buy it separately?"





(Overheard by AS at Tulsi in Kittery)

Why?

Boy, to his mother, coming out of "Selma": "Why did that movie make me cry?"




(Overheard by JR at the Nickelodeon Cinemas)

Theatre of the Absurd

Six year old boy: "Do you think the doctor will get a whale for the fish tank?

Father: "Mmm, whales are pretty big, and I don't think there'd be room for one."

Boy: "Well...I like spider webs."





(Overheard by JL in a South Portland pediatrician's office waiting room)

Happy New Year!

Coughing man: "I have bronchitis. At least I'm not dead. All of my friends are dead. You don't even know you have friends until they start dying on you."





(Overheard by ZWH at the Congress Street Rite Aid)

Tastes Like Chicken

Woman, to friend: "Chicken is the tofu of meat."




(Overheard by JR at Space Gallery)

Everyone Loves the Beach

Woman #1: "I can't believe that she even dated someone who doesn't like the beach."

Woman #2: "Does she really like going to the beach?"

Woman #1: "EVERYONE LOVES THE BEACH."

Woman #2: "He doesn't."

Woman #1: "That's my point--he is the exception."





(Overheard by JR on Temple Street)

Magic Hat

Student: "I like to wear a hat when I study, because then I feel productive."




(Overheard by ARA at UNE)

Jack the Ripper

9 year old girl (reading poster): "Who's Jack the Ripper?"

11 year old girl: "He victimized women in London in, like, the 1800s."

9 year old: "Why did he do that?"

11 year old:  "Because he was a woman hater."

9 year old: "Well, that's just stupid."




(Overhead by EL at Portland Ballet)

Aphrodite

(Two fifth grade boys discussing which Greek gods they're pretending to be)

First boy: "Well I think you'd make a great Aphrodite!"

Second boy: "Oh what, you're calling me beautiful? I can live with that!" 





(Overheard by JH on the Ocean Avenue School playground)

The Benefits are Questionable

Youngish guy, shouting: "The benefits? The benefits!? The benefits are herpes!"




(Overheard by JH through the window on Emery Street)

Maybe She's Thinking of Marigolds

Enthusiastic middle-aged tourist lady, examining a gross-looking seagull feather on the sidewalk: "Who needs to go to India where they throw roses? There are feathers everywhere!"



(Overheard by ZWH on Congress Street)

Time Travel and Everything

One guy to another: "When you describe it to me, it doesn't sound like something I'd be interested in...I mean, time travel and everything."



(Overheard at Yordprom Coffee Co)

My Philosophy

Hard living busker guy: "Burn through the night, fuck up the day."




(Overheard by JR in Monument Square)

Hipster Wedding

Hipster lady: "I arrived at my wedding on a cow. Behind a cow. I was driving the cow, from a wagon."




(Overheard by JSF on Crescent Beach)

Process of Elimination

Boy (to father): "Is this City Hall?"

Father: "Yes."

Boy (to me, waiting in line to pay parking ticket): "Are you the Mayor?"

Me: "No, sorry."

Boy (to father): "I am going to keep asking. Someone in this building has to be the Mayor."




(Overheard by Mayor JR at Portland City Hall)

Fan Club

Middle school boy #1: "I love Scarlett Johansson!"

Middle school boy #2: "I love Scarlett Johansson too!"

Middle school boy #1: "Yeah, she just, like, kills everybody!"





(Overheard in front of King Middle School)

Grown-ass

One 12 year-old to another: "You got mothafuckin' chest hair and shit. You a grown-ass man. You can't be riding a mothafuckin' BMX no more."




(Overheard by AS near the old Public Market building)

Sweet!

First kid: "Simple syrup, what's that?"

Second kid: "It's just water with a ton of sugar in it."

First kid: (Raises eyebrows at friend.)

Second kid: (High fives first kid.)






(Overheard by KJ at Omi's Coffee Shop)

Dangerous Game

One kid to another: "You know what's so bad about four square? People get mad at each other and it ruins friendships...but I'm really good!"




(Overheard by AN at the Reiche Community School playground)

Can You Hear Me Now?

50-something woman, to friend: "I didn't want to spend $100 a month, so I switched to T-Mobile and now I save a ton because I can never use my phone anywhere."




(Overheard by AS at the Westbrook Cinemagic Stadium Theater)

SQUIRRELS

Disheveled guy who looks like Slash, to passing woman: "SQUIRRELS!"




(Overheard by @emmisaurus in the West End)

Happy Mother's Day!

Woman shopping for candy, to little boy: "Jack, come on. Jack, Jack, Jesus, I'm so tired of you today. Jack, I'm going to call the cops on you. Listen, do you hear me? I'm calling the cops--on you!"




(Overheard by MH at Walgreen's on Mother's Day)

Listen to Grandma

Older woman, clearing a garden bed, to younger woman loading a Chevy Tahoe with booster seats: "I told them, you ever try to pull that in front of me or the kids again, I'll throw you both down the stairs."




(Overheard by KK on Preble Street in South Portland)

Clap Your Hands if You Believe

Teenager, in a group of friends, falling suddenly to his knees and calling into a sewer grate: "Come to me! Come to me, fairies!"




(Overheard by DM near Tommy's Park)