You Should See My Dentist

Middle aged man, looking at his phone, to no one in particular: "God, my pharmacist is gorgeous."




(Overheard by DM at Local Sprouts)

Three Things

Hip grandma to friend: "Fireworks are one of the three illegal things I enjoy."




(Overheard by JR at Crema Coffee)

Fascinating.

30-year-old-nerdish guy to bored-looking 70-year-old-lady: "You know, if you asked me what my favorite type of 18th-century sailing ship is, I'd have to say...a Bermuda-rigged topsail sloop."



(Overheard by BD on the Metro bus)

New Trader Joe's Slogan: It's Real Wine--The Good S***.

First guy: "Man, I like to get a 42 ounce can of Arizona Iced Tea. Drink like half and then fill it up with Wild Irish Rose...sit on the porch. Just watch people walk by."

Second guy: "I do that too."

First guy: "Wild Irish Rose?"

Second guy: "No. I hate that shit. Man, real wine's just three or four dollars more. Shit, $2.87 at Trader Joe's. It's…"

First guy: "What? Trader Joe's?"

Second guy: "Two-buck Chuck. Fucking $2.87 and it's real wine. The good shit."

First guy: "Wow. Where?"

Second guy: "Trader Joe's. It's like a supermarket."

First guy: "Man. (Lets out a long sigh.) I wish I could find that place."




(Overheard by BD on the Metro bus)

Jerry at the Yellow House

Drunk guy #1: "You seen Jerry lately?"

Drunk guy #2: "Naw. I don't go to the yellow house anymore."

Drunk guy #1: "He's fine through the first 40, but then he gets the second one in him and he's crazy. He was this morning, anyway."





(Overheard by BD on the Metro bus)

Work Ethic

First drunk guy: "You up for another 40 now?"

Second drunk guy: "I don't have time for a 40. I gotta go to work."





(Overheard by BD on the Metro bus)

High Standards

Stout fellow in business suit, to companion: "Basically, I have to get Jesus to pee on it before he'll take it."





(Overheard by TC on Congress Street)

Which They All Promptly Did

Father, to sons: "Now lift up your arms, and let the wind rush into your armpits!"





(Overheard by DM in front of the Nickelodeon)

Do You Even Need to Ask?

Little girl to father: "Daddy, are seagulls really rats with wings?"




(Overheard by AH in front of the Portland Museum of Art)

Hey!

Dad (trying to get two kids to stop pushing each other): "Hey, hey, hey!"

(No response from the kids)

Dad (yelling): "Hey, hey means hey!"





(Overheard by JR at the Portland Farmers Market)

Use Your Words

Woman #1: "My boyfriend is here in real life now--I gotta go."

Woman #2: "IRL."

Woman #1: "I don't know what that means."





(Overheard by JR at Aurora Provisions)

A Match Made in Heaven

One person to another: "You always seemed like a perfect couple because you both dream about unicorns."





(Overheard by JR at Crema)

Can't Have Too Many

One man to another, pointing out the bus window: "My friend Jimmy stole a buncha nipple rings from that place."




(Overheard by DM on the Metro bus to the Maine Mall)

Fighting Words

Hipster dude, discussing a friend: "That guy has the worst beard I have ever seen."





(Overheard by JR at LFK)

Us Neither

Man, to group of friends: "But like, I just can't imagine having diarrhea that often!"





(Overheard by MS in Monument Square)

Any Day Now

Teenage girl, to friend: "I can't wait for 8-tracks to be popular again."





(Overheard by MV at Port City Music Hall)

Light Bulb

Woman, screaming up and down the street after dark: "Do you have a light bulb I can borrow?!"






 (Overheard by TB on Boynton Street)

Television

Woman to friend: "I mainly watch shows where bad things happen to celebrities."




(Overheard by JR at Speckled Ax)

History Lesson

Young woman: "I feel like a slave of Egypt...In the Holocaust."




(Overheard by CW on Sherman Street)

Facing the Facts

Woman on cellphone: "You don't got no furniture! You been smokin' coke, too!"




(Overheard by MB in Hannaford)

Whale Tail

70-ish guy with a slow southern drawl: "A whale tail? You know what a whale tail is, right? It's the top piece of a woman's thong. You know, she's bending over a bit, and you see the top part. The whale tail."

Toothless, townie guy at the nearby bar (with a drink in his hand):  "Hey man, you've been on the Internet, haven't you?"





(Overheard by MH at J's Oyster)

In or Out

Tall man, wearing a hat, to no one in particular: "There's only one way in or out: BURN ALIVE."





(Overheard by DM on Congress Street)

A Select Clientele

Woman to Male Friend: "I want it to be the kind of place that attracts artists and musicians, not riffraff."




(Overheard by JR at Arabica)

Sacrifice for Savings

Woman (pointing to a box of macaroni and cheese): "I buy these at Walmart."

Second Woman: "Are they a good deal?"

Woman: "I never eat them, so they are a great deal for me."





(Overheard by JR at the USM campus store)

Don't We All?

Scruffy-looking older guy, to pal: "I wonder what cavity searches are like..."




(Overheard by HC at the corner of Franklin and Commercial Street)

Meteorology Dreams

Guy, to dining companions: "I love weather research--it's where my heart is."




(Overheard by WH at Applebee's in Portland)

The Truth

Girl in line, to sales clerk: "Let me tell you thumthing. If thumone tellth you that it doethn't hurt to get your tongue pierthed, don't believe them--it thure doeth hurt!"




(Overheard by KC at the CVS on Congress Street)

The Dating Game

Young man on cell phone: "Yeah, she's a functioning drug addict. Unlike my last girlfriend, who was just an asshole."




(Overheard by BS outside the Portland Public Library)

Between Popes

One old salty dog to another: "Fish n' chips? Fish n'chips? Why you gettin' fish n' chips instead of chili?"

Second salty dog: "It's Friday. Gotta eat fish on Friday."

First salty dog: "No you don't! Ain't no pope: you can eat chili!"





(Overheard by Mindy at Three Dollar Deweys)

Prince Charming

Woman to friend: "I know he smokes crack and wets the bed sometimes, but he's all about me."





(Overheard by VB in the women's restroom at Spring Point Tavern)