I Can Believe It

Drunk guy to friend: "I drink half a gallon a night--I can't be drunk. I can't believe they kicked me out!"





(Overheard by AS in front of Portland House of Music)

Call Your Girlfriend

Barefoot dude with unbuttoned shirt, to walking guy: "Hey man. Can I borrow your phone to make a call? I need to call my girlfriend 'cause..."

Guy (still walking): "I can't let you do that, man."

Barefoot dude: "Well, why not? Is it out of battery or something? Or is it because you're a stupid motherfucker?"

Guy (still walking, over his shoulder): "Yeah! The second one!"






(Overheard by DM on Congress Street)

We're in Maine Now

Young woman to young man: "We forgot the fuckin' football, didn't we?"

Young man: "Watch your mouth. We're not in New Hampshire anymore."





(Overheard by AG at Rite Aid in Fryeburg)

Let Down Your Hair

Man on a bench at 7:45am, making eye contact with passing woman as he finishes a small bottle of whiskey: "What you lookin' at, Rapunzel?"





(Overheard by EN on Congress Street)

Former Florida Man

Older lady, to group of people at bus stop: "Well, I lived in Florida once, and I wasn't so crazy about it..."

Older man, interrupting loudly: "I lived in Florida for two years, and I hated every single minute of it!"




(Overheard at the bus stop in front of the Back Cove Hannaford)

Mocha Latte

Woman, muttering, as barista makes her a mocha latte: "Ooh, come to Mama..."




(Overheard by JL at the Gorham Grind)

Barbecue sauce

Exasperated mother to small boy in shopping cart: "You don't need a bottle of barbecue sauce. What are you going to do with a bottle of BARBECUE sauce?"




(Overheard by ETS at Market Basket in Biddeford)

You're Probably Right

College student: "If someone's taking that much cash out of an ATM in Portland, it's for only one of two things: ethnic food or weed."




(Overheard slightly south of Portland)

Define "Gay"

Older man looking at movie posters, to female companion: "Mad Max is gay. Making a machine a woman--that's gay."




(Overheard by JR outside the Nickelodeon)

The Creative Economy

Woman 1: "She's, like, 30 and has never had a real job."

Woman 2: "What does she do? Make arts and crafts and sell crap on Etsy?"






(Overheard by MS on Congress Street)

Mrs. Baldwin

Teenage girl: "Mrs. Baldwin?"

Older woman: "Oh dear."

Girl: "What are you doing here?"

Mrs. Baldwin: "I won't tell if you don't."






(Overheard in the middle of a school day at Target in South Portland)

Herbivores

Middle school kid, to friend: "I'm pretty sure Canadians are herbivores."






(Overheard by Anonymous at a Portland middle school)

Smart People

Young woman to friend: "Naomi Watts--she is in all those movies that smart people like."






(Overheard by JR at Videoport)

Then Again...

One young man to another: "Just because you smoke crack doesn't make you a crackhead...but then again, it does."






(Overheard by STF near OhNo Cafe)

On Point

Young woman to friend: "In other news, my eyebrows are on point today."





(Overheard by LW in Augusta)

Important Things

Woman to friends: "That dress was everywhere--Facebook, the Today Show. Shouldn't we be talking about more important things? Leonard Nimoy died. Shouldn't we be talking about how cool he was?"



(Overheard by JR at The Holy Donut)

Someone, Show Her How!

Older woman, plaintively: "I wish I knew how to text."




(Overheard by JR at Maine Medical Center)

Tacos

Woman 1: "Do you need any taco shells?"

Woman 2: "Why?"

Woman 1: "I have so many of them at home."

Woman 2: "Why do you have so many?"

Woman 1: "I buy them for the taco packets they come with, but I never eat that many tacos. I just put it on the meat and eat it that way."

Woman 2: "Why don't you buy the seasoning separately?"

Woman 1: "You can buy it separately?"





(Overheard by AS at Tulsi in Kittery)

Why?

Boy, to his mother, coming out of "Selma": "Why did that movie make me cry?"




(Overheard by JR at the Nickelodeon Cinemas)

Theatre of the Absurd

Six year old boy: "Do you think the doctor will get a whale for the fish tank?

Father: "Mmm, whales are pretty big, and I don't think there'd be room for one."

Boy: "Well...I like spider webs."





(Overheard by JL in a South Portland pediatrician's office waiting room)

Happy New Year!

Coughing man: "I have bronchitis. At least I'm not dead. All of my friends are dead. You don't even know you have friends until they start dying on you."





(Overheard by ZWH at the Congress Street Rite Aid)

Tastes Like Chicken

Woman, to friend: "Chicken is the tofu of meat."




(Overheard by JR at Space Gallery)

Everyone Loves the Beach

Woman #1: "I can't believe that she even dated someone who doesn't like the beach."

Woman #2: "Does she really like going to the beach?"

Woman #1: "EVERYONE LOVES THE BEACH."

Woman #2: "He doesn't."

Woman #1: "That's my point--he is the exception."





(Overheard by JR on Temple Street)

Magic Hat

Student: "I like to wear a hat when I study, because then I feel productive."




(Overheard by ARA at UNE)

Jack the Ripper

9 year old girl (reading poster): "Who's Jack the Ripper?"

11 year old girl: "He victimized women in London in, like, the 1800s."

9 year old: "Why did he do that?"

11 year old:  "Because he was a woman hater."

9 year old: "Well, that's just stupid."




(Overhead by EL at Portland Ballet)

Aphrodite

(Two fifth grade boys discussing which Greek gods they're pretending to be)

First boy: "Well I think you'd make a great Aphrodite!"

Second boy: "Oh what, you're calling me beautiful? I can live with that!" 





(Overheard by JH on the Ocean Avenue School playground)

The Benefits are Questionable

Youngish guy, shouting: "The benefits? The benefits!? The benefits are herpes!"




(Overheard by JH through the window on Emery Street)

Maybe She's Thinking of Marigolds

Enthusiastic middle-aged tourist lady, examining a gross-looking seagull feather on the sidewalk: "Who needs to go to India where they throw roses? There are feathers everywhere!"



(Overheard by ZWH on Congress Street)

Time Travel and Everything

One guy to another: "When you describe it to me, it doesn't sound like something I'd be interested in...I mean, time travel and everything."



(Overheard at Yordprom Coffee Co)

My Philosophy

Hard living busker guy: "Burn through the night, fuck up the day."




(Overheard by JR in Monument Square)