It's Decorative Gourd Season

Mom to teenage daughter: "Oh, wait, did you want to get a funky gourd?"

Daughter: "Nope."




(Overheard at the farmer's market in Deering Oaks)

At the Fair

Middle-aged woman, watching an 8 or 9 year old boy swinging a mallet at the strength tester: "I could totally kick that guy's ass."



(Overheard at the Common Ground Fair)

What Doesn't Kill You Only Makes Vacation Better

Woman to man: "That is what people do when they're on vacation. They see stuff and do things. So go back to the hotel, take some aspirin, put some ice on it, lie down for a bit. Then you can go out later."



(Overheard by JR in the Old Port)

It's the Law

Male tourist: "A whole lotta Subarus in Portland..."

Female tourist: "Really high per-capita rate."

Male tourist: "Yeah, I think the rule is two Subarus per person here."




(Overheard by EWW in the Old Port)

Havin' a Summah

Young tourist 1 to young tourist 2: "I picture today as our relaxed, free-time day. Then tomorrow we'll do something structured, like going to the beach or hanging out."



(Overheard by SH on Middle Street)

Yeah — It's in Boston

Guy getting out of a car with New York plates, to valet: "Last time we were here, we went to a cocktail bar. Do you know where that is? The cocktail bar?"




(Overheard by SH on Exchange Street)

Hashtag We Rock

20-something bro-dude 1: "His band has eleven thousand followers on Facebook."

Dude 2: "Bullshit! If you're a local band with more than two thousand followers, you paid for them. I mean, we rock, and we only have eight hundred."

Dude 1: "Exactly. That's what I said."



(Overheard by SH on Exchange Street)

It's still a thing

Man: "What day is it?"
Woman: "It's St. Patrick's Day."
Man: "Is it the 16th?"
Woman: "It's March 17th, St. Patrick's Day."
Man: "I didn't realize that was still a thing."





(Overheard at Rose Foods)

50 Shades of Business

Male customer to female friend: "I'm literally turning him clockwise and spanking his ass with my offer."





(Overheard by LB at Coffee By Design on Congress Street.)

Another year, another sidewalk philosopher

One human to another: “Portland is just for getting fucked up and talking about politics, not for looking at stars.”




(Overheard by AJL on Forest Avenue)

Avocados Have Feelings Too

Teacher to class: “Has anyone had an avocado?”

Second grader: “No, I’m a vegetarian, so I don’t eat meat.”



(Overheard by ARA at an elementary school outside of Portland)

Kids These Days

Second grade teacher, reading an informational book about knights: “And Sir Lancelot fought for Lady...“

Student: “Gaga?!”




(Overheard at an elementary school west of Portland)

Hannaford Paleontologist

Boy: "There are dinosaurs in the store!"
Dad: "Real dinosaurs?"
Boy: "Yeah."
Dad: "What aisle are they in? Frozen vegetables?"
Boy: (unintelligible)
Dad: "Oh, they're carnivores. They're in the meat department then."



(Overheard by ETS at Hannaford in Biddeford)

Communication problems

European Woman, quietly: "I’d like a latte macchiato, please."

Employee, not quite hearing her: "Sorry, what?"

European Woman, thinking that that the employee didn’t understand her phrasing: "I wish, please, to consume a latte macchiato."



(Overheard by JL at the Rusty Lantern on Congress Street)

The Most Important Meal of the Day

Person, to friend: "You know what I just realized? I don't even like breakfast pizza!"






(Overheard by AJL in front of the Hilltop Superette on Congress Street).

Island Mystery

One tourist to another: "I'm sure there are more shops on the island, because how else do they make money if they live here?"




(Overheard by JF Downfront on Peaks Island)

Better Order the Pho

Woman to dining companion: "I like things white girl spicy. You know, just a little bit of pepper."




(Overheard by JR at Cong Tu Bot)

Kids These Days

Eight or nine year-old boy, yelling at barking dog as he runs by: "Arf arf, bitch!"




(Overheard by MR on High Street in South Portland)

The Original Bullshitters

Man, lecturing family members on the history of the Mayflower: "They were effective at convincing everybody that they were hot shit, but they weren't the first settlers."




(Overheard at Pool Lobster at Goldthwaite's in Biddeford Pool)

Lobster Roll

Young man, to Canadian tourists: "I want to move to Canada!"

Canadian: "Oh really? Why?"

Young man: "Because I'm gonna be straight homeless in New York, and I'm losing my health insurance."

Canadian: "So where's the best place around here for a lobster roll?"




(Overheard by IWH on Mackworth Island)

The Funny Thing About Bill

Older woman to younger woman: "The funny thing about Bill is that although he has great taste when it comes to furnishings, and a great eye for art, when it comes to food he is just an old white guy."





(Overheard by JR at Mami)

Hugging the City Councillor

Man to friends: "I had the weirdest dream: I saw Jill Duson, and I ran up to her and gave her a huge hug and started sobbing and sobbing."



(Overheard on Brighton Avenue)

Priorities

Person to companion: "People who dress their dogs? I don't even have time to dress myself."




(Overheard by MBF at Maelily Ryleigh's)

Same.

Woman to co-workers: "I would definitely rather watch porn than go to Kennebunk."




(Overheard in the office at SPACE Gallery)

He'd Be Hirsute

First grader to teacher: "What if a man had a beard so long it went all the way to New Jersey?"




(Overheard by ARA at an elementary school north of Portland)

Videoport Throw Back

First Man in porn nook: "'Girls Gone Wild: My Big Breakfast'…?"

Second Man in porn nook: "That says 'BREASTS.' 'My Big BREASTS.'"

First Man: "Oh. I thought it said 'breakfast.'"




(Overheard years ago by JL at Videoport)

Some Days It Sure Feels Like It

First grader to teacher: "Are you going to teach until you die?"






(Overheard by ARA at an elementary school north of Portland)

Capitalism in a Nutshell

One bro to another: "That's capitalism in a nutshell, bro. That's capitalism in a nutshell, bro. That's capitalism in a nutshell, bro."




(Overheard by AS on Congress Street near Empire)

Dog People

Woman (watching dogs play): "Sometimes she chases every dog she sees, and sometimes she's not interested in playing at all."

Man: "Yeah, my dog wants to meet every dog he sees, but he really only ever plays with like a third of them. Mostly he just sniffs and moves on."

Woman:"I guess we shouldn't underestimate their intelligence. I don't want to talk to most of the people I meet."

Man: "Me too."

(silence)




(Overheard by JR at Willard Beach)

The Sound of Summer

Guy, swirling ice cubes in iced coffee, to friend: "Hey, I'm a Foley artist! That's the sound of summer!"