what do you want to call them?

at the latest ENK children's clothing trade show i went to, i overheard an elderly well-to-do woman who must have been a buyer, while standing over a sparkly t-shirt vendor lady inquire aggresively : "WELL WHAT DO YOU WANT TO CALL THEM, FAT KIDS?!"

The Facilities

Woman with huge glasses, a stocking cap, and lots 'o make-up: Are you a customer, or do you work here?

Store Owner: Yeah, i work here.

Woman: The facilities. You know, the facilities. Just wondering. I don't want to see your facilities for the purpose of using them. I just want a place to go through my wallet, you understand.



(Overheard at Casco Bay Books)

Vampires?

Little boy: ...and then the teacher said, "That's not acceptable," and took his paper away from him, just because he was signing his name in blood.

Teen boy: What the hell is NPR?
Teen girl: National public radio.
Teen boy: National? Why does that not make sense?
Teen girl: It's national.
Teen boy: Then how can it be public?
Teen girl: It's a PUBLIC radio station that brodcasts NATIONALLY.
Teen boy: I don't get it.

I'm Just Sayin'

Man, examining soup can, to imaginary companion: Yes, but this one has 220 mg of sodium per serving!

Man, after appearing to listen to imaginary companion's response: Well, I'm just sayin'!



(Overheard at Hannaford)

You can't kill the rooster.

Man on cell phone: Hi Dave, this is 'The Hammer'...

Overheard outside Casco Bay Books

Maybe Our Relationship's Not THAT Interesting

Woman, to friends: Our relationship could be a book.

Woman, reconsidering: Or an article. In a relationship magazine.


(Overheard at the Udder Place)

French teacher: Voila, les devoirs.
Teen girl: Day-vwah? Ohmagod, that's so cool! Day-VWAH!
French teacher writes the homework on the board, titled, "devoirs."
Teen girl: What's dee-vores?
French teacher: Devoirs!
Teen girl: OHMAGOD! THAT'S day-vwah?

Vegan Cookies

First Guy (pointing to cookies): Hey, what's a "vegan cookie"?
Second Guy: That means it doesn't have any ingredients.


(Overheard at Casco Bay Books)

Excuse my spelling.

Tween Girl 1: He's going to get a PhD. He's mad smart.
Tween Girl 2: Aren't PhDs what you need to be a shrink?
Tween Girl 1: Yeah, or a paleantologist.


Overheard near Waynflete.

North Carolina

Crazy Man on Congress Street (in a threatening manner): It's not like you have to tear your face off to North Carolina!

(Overheard by David Meiklejohn)

Swimming Instructor: Ok, everybody, let's go over names.
Little Girl 1: Caitlin.
Swimming Intructor: Hailey?
Little Girl 1: Caitlin.
Swimming Intructor: Caitlin.
Little Girl 2: Eden.
Swimming Instructor: Hailey?
Little Girl 2: Eden.
Swimming Instructor: Eden.
Little Girl 3: Hannah.
Swimming Instructor: Hailey?
Little Girl 3: Hannah.
Swimming Instructor: Hannah. Is Hailey even a real name?

Denmark, Maine?

Young woman, to boyfriend: So just go on over to Denmark and find yourself Wyland St!
Boyfriend: Ok.

Good plan

Girl: These ones don't hurt as much when you get hit by them.
Mom: These whats?
Girl: Tennis balls. This one might break your nose, but these ones can TOTALLY hit you straight on, and it will barely hurt.
Mom: Maybe you shouldn't put your face in front of them, then.


Overheard at Sports Authority

It's really worth more

Older Man in Italia shirt: ...because I'm Italian, that's why. Now, how much do I owe you?
Cashier woman: A million dollars. Well, a hundred thousand because you're Italian.
Older Man in Italia shirt: Fair enough.


Overheard at Amato's

The Happiest Season of All

Woman in twenties: ...so, and it was Christmas Eve, and it bit me, and I was swinging it back and forth when it just died! And I never got another hamster.

(Overheard at Scarborough Beach)

A condradiction, perhaps?

Man: I am Josef Stalin, the Pope, and God, all in one.
Teen girl: Yur pope-name should be Eular. Then you'd be Pope-Eular.
Man: I am the most pope-eular.

I'm telling you, I didn't think so

Teen Boy: I'm telling you, I did NOT give birth.

Overheard at South Portland tennis courts.

Papaya?

Non-latina non-Spanish speaking teenage girl: I can't read anything on this bottle! God, I wish it was in English. What is this anyway? Oh, a papayera. That's the blood fruit right?
Spanish speaking teenage girl: What? Papayera?
Non-latina non-Spanish speaking teenage girl: Papayaya? Papapapayah?

He'll do that for a while.

Comrade Rafa's Dad: What's the score?
Gas Station Clerk: Don't know. Here, I'll turn it up.
Comrade Rafa's Dad: They were losing last time I checked.
Gas Station Clerk: Yeah, but they're the Sox! They can turn it around. Oh, here's Kevin Youkilis.
Comrade Rafa's Dad: Youk, Youk, Youk!!!
Comrade Rafa: I'm going.
Comrade Rafa's Dad: Youk, Youk, Youk!


Overheard/Spoken at Blue Canoe on Commercial St.

So many types of killing.

Woman: Was he a serial killer or a mass killer?
Man: Mass killers kill a bunch of people they know. Serial killers just kill a bunch of random people in random places.
Woman: Well, which was it?
Man: Did he know them? Cause that changes it.
Woman: Maybe he was a spree killer.
Man: Which one's that?
Woman: About halfway between.


Overheard at Videoport

But how many name their animals after candy?

Somewhat Crazy man with dog walks out of bathroom.
Somewhat Crazy Man: She's a service dog! She can go anywhere.
Woman: I see.
Somewhat Crazy Man: Anywhere. Her name is Snickers. Just like the candy.
Woman. Oh.
Somwhat Crazy Man: Just like it!
Man: You get all kinds in the men's room.

Overheard at the Nickelodeon Theatre

More Delicious

Wild Oats Manager (gesturing to meat case): ...and free range animals are happier animals. And happy animals are healthier animals. And healthy animals are more delicious!

Brownie Troop: Yay!


(Overheard in the meat department in Wild Oats)

About to Dump

Woman talking to sky: OHHHHH, looks like it's about to DUMP!

(Overheard in parking lot of Wild Oats.)

Bad Ass

Punk girl #1: She's, like, a bad ass, but she's really pretty!

Punk girl #2: I know, I saw her, and I was like, "Damn!"

Punk girl #1: That's like, totally how I want to be percieved by people.


(Overheard in the Old Port.)

Skinny Meg

Woman #1: Well, you are small.

Woman #2: But I'm not like skinny Meg!

(Overheard by Artemis at Bubblemaineia)

Tall Means Power

Woman #1: I always feel tall in shoes; it's a psychological thing.

Woman #2: That's okay. Tall means power.

(Overheard by Artemis in Kohl's, in South Portland)

The Fuck Song

Teenage girl: Oh, do we have the Fuck Song? Or does Grandma still have it?

(Overheard in a car)

Love in the Quick Check-Out

Man: That turns me on.
Woman: Oh, does it? (While rubbing a box containing a whole rotisserie chicken against Man's chest.)

(Overheard at Westbrook Shaw's supermaket)

Theivery!

Cool Dude: And then he was all like "Gimme a sip of your drink."
Hip Chick: What did you say?
Cool Dude: I was like, "No way man, I've fallen for that way too many times before."
Hip Chick: Good, like, assertiveness.

They're Everywhere

Guy: Wait, so where are they?
Girl: They live, like, on the skin of apples.
Guy: Whoa.

Overheard on Emery St. Sunday afternoon

546 Years Young

Teacher: I actually went to visit Ponce de Leon's house in Puerto Rico.
8th grader: Oh, he's still alive? Oh...

(Overheard at King Middle School)

Ain't That the Truth?

Loud Lady: Sometimes, when you're very angry, it's hard to say the word "defecation."

(Overheard at Panera in Westbrook)

Middle School Communist

8th grader 1: Why do you hate Communists?
Communist 8th grader: I am a Communist.
Long pause
8th grader 1: So why do you hate them?
Communist 8th grader: I don't.
8th grader 1: Oh.
Long pause
8th grader 1: Wait, so like, what is Communism?

(Overheard at King Middle School)

Not Bad, For a Hundred Bucks

Guy with an earring: Yep, I've been to Fore Street [the restaurant]. Oh, oh yeah... it's not great, but it's decent.

(Overheard on the sidewalk outside Fore Street)

Balthazar

8th grader 1: Ha, ha, Balthazar.
8th grader 2: What, Balthazar? What, who, why, who told you about Balthazar? Did you just say Balthazar?
8th grader 1: Ha, ha. I just called her Balthazar.

(Overheard at King Middle School)

Circumchances

Man with slick hair style walking by with group of friends with shiny shoes: It's just different circumchances.

Shogun

Party animal A : We'll pretend I didn't just do that (after knocking over a grill on back porch).
Party animal B : We'll blame it on me.
Party animal A : We'll blame it on you.
Party animal B : We'll blame it on me because I'm the shogun.
Party animal A : Yes.

Lisp

My Mom: My daughter plays the harp.
Korean Tailor: OHHH! The harp! Your daughter happy playing, and you happy just shitting there watching her play!

(Overheard at The Sewing Shop)

Interesting Metaphor

Woman: ...so then yesterday, I went hiking with this guy who has size 14 feet, but they don't make size 14 hiking shoes, so he had to get size 13! Can you imagine? Anyway, then we biked all the way to the general store, bought a couple bananas and a bottle of beer, and ate it like a rat!

(Overheard at Yosaku.)

Keep Your Hands to Yourself

8th Grader 1: You touch my stuff?!
8th Grader 2: No, why would I touch your stuff?
8th Grader 1: You don't touch my stuff! You touch my stuff and I kick your head off!!!

(Overheard at King Middle School)

Mispro-nown-ciation

Pompous Business Guy: NAN! NAN! COULD WE HAVE SOME NAN OVER HERE!
{meant naan}

(Overheard at Tandoor Indian Cuisine)

Weapons of Mass Destruction

Hippie art student #1: Yeah, that would be so cool!
Hippie art student #2: And we could have, like, car bombs!

(Overheard at UMaine Orono)

Mattress Car

Art Student #1: Oh, man! Look at this!
Art Student #2: Cool! Metal bed frame!
Art Student #1: OH! We could put on bicycle wheels and a mattress, and ride it down the street!!!


(Overheard near USM)

Tourist Wisdom

Tourist #1: What's that?
Tourist #2: Oh, nothing. That's just the tidehorn.
Tourist #1: The what?
Tourist #2: It tells you when the tide's coming in.


(Overheard at the Lobster Shack in Cape Elizabeth)