That Helmet is Hot

Guy in cycling gear to girl: You got to get a helmet that looks good, so you want to wear it all the time. Everyone likes to look good.

(Overheard by JR at Arabica)

GIRL ON HER CELL PHONE IN THE STAIR WELL AT USM

" YOU DID NOT JUST HANG UP. WHY DID YOU HANG UP? NO. YOU SAY GOODYE, AND THEN YOU HANG UP. RIGHT? THATS WHAT NORMAL PEOPLE DO, THEY SAY GOODYE BYE AND THEN THEY HANG UP." THEN SHE HUNG UP.

It's actually a secret code.

Male Deli Employee: Everybody loves BOGO!

Female Deli Employee: I don't even know what that is.

Male Deli Employee: Everybody knows what BOGO is.

Female Deli Employee: Well, I don't.

Male Deli Employee: It's "Buy one get one"!

Female Deli Employee: Seriously? Well I don't even wanna tell you what I thought it was!

Overheard at West End Deli

Somebody Needs to Consult the Urban Dictionary

Middle school teacher, trying hard to be cool: Oh, dish!




(Overheard at King Middle School)

Only 364 Shopping days to Easter!

Small Boy: (spotting bunny with Red Sox hat in sale Easter bin): I want the Red Sox one for Easter!

Mother (exasperated): Easter was yesterday.

Boy (equally exasperated): No, next Easter.

(Overheard by JR at Hannaford)

That Novel Was NUTS

Homeless man: Hey sister! Hey! Care to help out a crazy novel?

(Overheard in Congress street)

You Call This Art?

Distinguished-looking older woman, examining a painting: Look at all that white space! He wasted two-thirds of the painting on white space!


(Overheard by MH at the Portland Museum of Art Biennial opening)

I knew it had SOME purpose

High School Boy 1: You can write about crap, that's ok. But you don't write about your feelings!
High School Boy 2: Yeah, that's what poetry is for!

Overheard on the bus

Obviously an Animal Rights Activist

Middle aged lady in a fur coat: So THAT'S how the dog got electrocuted!

(Overheard on Exchange Street)

Wow.

Mid 20's age Girl on Cell Phone: I don't know what you did to me last night, but it worked!

(Overheard on Munjoy Hill)

Wood in the Street

Person One: There's wood in the street.

Person Two: So, it is neccessary to have wood in the street?

Person One: I'll take wood anywhere I can get it - but in the street works for me.

(overheard in the Old Port)

You Could Fry an Egg on the Sidewalk

Man: Wow! Look at that!
Other man: What?

Man: (Pointing) Some guy fried an egg on the pavement!
Other man: Holy shit!

Man: What do you think it tastes like?

(overheard in warmer months near Gilbert's Chowder House by Antonio)

Perfect Hair

Man in trench coat at 2am: Hello young lady.

Me, a man: Hello.

Man, realizing I'm a man: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were a young lady because your hair, it's so perfect.


(Overheard on Preble Street by DM)

Deering Oaks

Man: We should play frisbee at Deering Oaks this summer.

Kid: I don't like Deering Oaks anymore.

Man: Why not?

Kid: I just don't like it ever since I saw a homeless guy skinning a bird there.

(overheard on Brackett Street)

Must've Been Left By Tourists

Mom (avoiding pile of vomit in the gutter): Watch out!

Kid (examining vomit): Oh my God! It's a lobster roll!

(overheard near Tommy's Park)

Whipping Cream

Hannaford Bagger (putting a pint of heavy whipping cream in a bag): Oh no, I bought this one time -- it gave me, you know, diarrhea!

Shopper: Oh...really?

Bagger: Yeah -- you gonna put it on cereal? Cause that's what I did, put it on cereal.

Shopper: No, I was actually...going to whip it, you know? Cause it's whipping cream.

Bagger: Well, all I know is it really gave me diarrhea.

(Overheard at Hannaford)

Homophobia

Foursquare Kid Number One (shoving Kid Number Two): Faggot!

Foursquare Kid Number Two: You're a faggot!

Foursquare Kid Number Three: I don't want to play foursquare with you anymore. You guys are homophobic.

Kid One: Huh? What does that mean?

Kid Three: It means you're either afraid of gay people, or you hate gay people.

(Kid One and Kid Two look at each other, horrified)

Kid Two: Oh my God, he's gay, he's gay! Run!

(Kids One and Two run away)




(overheard by Boo at the Nathan Clifford playground)

Your mom cut you

World of Warcraft-playing teen #1: Hey, Dylan! Did you cut your hair?

World of Warcraft-playing teen #2: No, my hair cut me.

World of Warcraft-playing teen #3: Your mom cut you.

Color Blind

Middle School Kid #1: Man, I'm so angry. I'm banned from Xbox, period.

Middle School Kid #2: Why don't you put it in your pocket?

Middle School Kid #1: My mom's not retarded.

Middle School Kid #2: Yeah, duh, she's color blind.

Middle School Kid #1: That has nothing to do with it, you idiot!

Middle School Kid #2: I had no idea your mom was color blind.


(Overheard near King Middle School.)

I'm not talking about you

Loud woman: I'm not talking about you, but some people sound kinda snobby. Some people, when they say French words with an English accent, they sound kinda snobby. But that's okay. And anyway, I'm not talking about you.

Hipster guy: Are you thinking of that guy's name? Cause that was just his last name.

Loud woman: His name? Well. Well, it doesn't matter. And I wasn't talking about you. What about people who don't pronounce their own names the way they're supposed to be pronounced?

Overheard at Benkay.

Bug Light

Man yelling into cellphone while pumping gas: Hello? Hello? Are you at Bug Light now? Cause me and the kids wanna see the fuckin' lighthouse!

(Overheard in Scarborough)

Grundy Wooo!

Inebriated twenty-something yelling across the boat: GRUNNNNDYYY!
Grundy: It's like I'm in the Monkees!
Inebriated twenty-something: GRRRRUNNNNDYYY WOOOOOOOOO!
Me: He can't hear you with your shirt on.


(Overheard by Thump on the Peaks Island to Portland Sunday ferry)

Vinny the Brick

Guy on cell: Mr. Wagner, this is Vinny the Brick. I'm very sorry you've been so unlucky at the track. I'll be seeing you later today. (Voice changes to normal, non Vinny-the-Brick voice). I'll be there around seven, you want me to bring red or white?

(overheard by Matthew Myers outside Coffee By Design on India Street)

strawberry fields/other people

Organic-looking mom: Only pick the really red ones, sweetie. We leave the rest for other people.

(Overheard at Maxwell's fields)

Free Association on the Maine State Pier

Guy: I really wanna piss someone off. I'm in the mood to piss someone off. Bye, kids!

Woman: Do I look really doghairy?

Friend: You might want to shake it off a little bit.

Feeding an Army

Me: (silently observing two full shopping carts' worth of hamburger and hot dog buns being rung up in front of me at the grocery store)

Military Guy in Camoflage: This may take a while, ma'am. We're feeding an army here.


(Overheard at Hannaford)

Tres Chaud!

First Young Woman: Yeah, French is hot!

Second Young Woman: I know -- it's, like, the new Italian!


(Overheard at JoAnn Fabric)

Old Lady: Did you see Serena Williams play last night?
Old Lady 2: She has the biggest rear end I've ever SEEN!

Courtesy of Comrade Rafa

Taken

Loud woman, on cell phone: Yeah, I got my masters' in educating the hearing impaired, but I've been in insurance since '79. I guess I'm kind of dating myself.

Teacher: I've taught on four continents, and you guys are the WORST class I've EVER HAD!
Student: Which continents?
Teacher: Africa, North America, and Japan. Well, three. But I've been in a couple earthquakes!