Must've Been Left By Tourists

Mom (avoiding pile of vomit in the gutter): Watch out!

Kid (examining vomit): Oh my God! It's a lobster roll!

(overheard near Tommy's Park)

Whipping Cream

Hannaford Bagger (putting a pint of heavy whipping cream in a bag): Oh no, I bought this one time -- it gave me, you know, diarrhea!

Shopper: Oh...really?

Bagger: Yeah -- you gonna put it on cereal? Cause that's what I did, put it on cereal.

Shopper: No, I was actually...going to whip it, you know? Cause it's whipping cream.

Bagger: Well, all I know is it really gave me diarrhea.

(Overheard at Hannaford)

Homophobia

Foursquare Kid Number One (shoving Kid Number Two): Faggot!

Foursquare Kid Number Two: You're a faggot!

Foursquare Kid Number Three: I don't want to play foursquare with you anymore. You guys are homophobic.

Kid One: Huh? What does that mean?

Kid Three: It means you're either afraid of gay people, or you hate gay people.

(Kid One and Kid Two look at each other, horrified)

Kid Two: Oh my God, he's gay, he's gay! Run!

(Kids One and Two run away)




(overheard by Boo at the Nathan Clifford playground)

Your mom cut you

World of Warcraft-playing teen #1: Hey, Dylan! Did you cut your hair?

World of Warcraft-playing teen #2: No, my hair cut me.

World of Warcraft-playing teen #3: Your mom cut you.

Color Blind

Middle School Kid #1: Man, I'm so angry. I'm banned from Xbox, period.

Middle School Kid #2: Why don't you put it in your pocket?

Middle School Kid #1: My mom's not retarded.

Middle School Kid #2: Yeah, duh, she's color blind.

Middle School Kid #1: That has nothing to do with it, you idiot!

Middle School Kid #2: I had no idea your mom was color blind.


(Overheard near King Middle School.)

I'm not talking about you

Loud woman: I'm not talking about you, but some people sound kinda snobby. Some people, when they say French words with an English accent, they sound kinda snobby. But that's okay. And anyway, I'm not talking about you.

Hipster guy: Are you thinking of that guy's name? Cause that was just his last name.

Loud woman: His name? Well. Well, it doesn't matter. And I wasn't talking about you. What about people who don't pronounce their own names the way they're supposed to be pronounced?

Overheard at Benkay.

Bug Light

Man yelling into cellphone while pumping gas: Hello? Hello? Are you at Bug Light now? Cause me and the kids wanna see the fuckin' lighthouse!

(Overheard in Scarborough)

Grundy Wooo!

Inebriated twenty-something yelling across the boat: GRUNNNNDYYY!
Grundy: It's like I'm in the Monkees!
Inebriated twenty-something: GRRRRUNNNNDYYY WOOOOOOOOO!
Me: He can't hear you with your shirt on.


(Overheard by Thump on the Peaks Island to Portland Sunday ferry)

Vinny the Brick

Guy on cell: Mr. Wagner, this is Vinny the Brick. I'm very sorry you've been so unlucky at the track. I'll be seeing you later today. (Voice changes to normal, non Vinny-the-Brick voice). I'll be there around seven, you want me to bring red or white?

(overheard by Matthew Myers outside Coffee By Design on India Street)

strawberry fields/other people

Organic-looking mom: Only pick the really red ones, sweetie. We leave the rest for other people.

(Overheard at Maxwell's fields)

Free Association on the Maine State Pier

Guy: I really wanna piss someone off. I'm in the mood to piss someone off. Bye, kids!

Woman: Do I look really doghairy?

Friend: You might want to shake it off a little bit.

Feeding an Army

Me: (silently observing two full shopping carts' worth of hamburger and hot dog buns being rung up in front of me at the grocery store)

Military Guy in Camoflage: This may take a while, ma'am. We're feeding an army here.


(Overheard at Hannaford)

Tres Chaud!

First Young Woman: Yeah, French is hot!

Second Young Woman: I know -- it's, like, the new Italian!


(Overheard at JoAnn Fabric)

Old Lady: Did you see Serena Williams play last night?
Old Lady 2: She has the biggest rear end I've ever SEEN!

Courtesy of Comrade Rafa

Taken

Loud woman, on cell phone: Yeah, I got my masters' in educating the hearing impaired, but I've been in insurance since '79. I guess I'm kind of dating myself.

Teacher: I've taught on four continents, and you guys are the WORST class I've EVER HAD!
Student: Which continents?
Teacher: Africa, North America, and Japan. Well, three. But I've been in a couple earthquakes!

what do you want to call them?

at the latest ENK children's clothing trade show i went to, i overheard an elderly well-to-do woman who must have been a buyer, while standing over a sparkly t-shirt vendor lady inquire aggresively : "WELL WHAT DO YOU WANT TO CALL THEM, FAT KIDS?!"

The Facilities

Woman with huge glasses, a stocking cap, and lots 'o make-up: Are you a customer, or do you work here?

Store Owner: Yeah, i work here.

Woman: The facilities. You know, the facilities. Just wondering. I don't want to see your facilities for the purpose of using them. I just want a place to go through my wallet, you understand.



(Overheard at Casco Bay Books)

Vampires?

Little boy: ...and then the teacher said, "That's not acceptable," and took his paper away from him, just because he was signing his name in blood.

Teen boy: What the hell is NPR?
Teen girl: National public radio.
Teen boy: National? Why does that not make sense?
Teen girl: It's national.
Teen boy: Then how can it be public?
Teen girl: It's a PUBLIC radio station that brodcasts NATIONALLY.
Teen boy: I don't get it.

I'm Just Sayin'

Man, examining soup can, to imaginary companion: Yes, but this one has 220 mg of sodium per serving!

Man, after appearing to listen to imaginary companion's response: Well, I'm just sayin'!



(Overheard at Hannaford)

You can't kill the rooster.

Man on cell phone: Hi Dave, this is 'The Hammer'...

Overheard outside Casco Bay Books

Maybe Our Relationship's Not THAT Interesting

Woman, to friends: Our relationship could be a book.

Woman, reconsidering: Or an article. In a relationship magazine.


(Overheard at the Udder Place)

French teacher: Voila, les devoirs.
Teen girl: Day-vwah? Ohmagod, that's so cool! Day-VWAH!
French teacher writes the homework on the board, titled, "devoirs."
Teen girl: What's dee-vores?
French teacher: Devoirs!
Teen girl: OHMAGOD! THAT'S day-vwah?

Vegan Cookies

First Guy (pointing to cookies): Hey, what's a "vegan cookie"?
Second Guy: That means it doesn't have any ingredients.


(Overheard at Casco Bay Books)

Excuse my spelling.

Tween Girl 1: He's going to get a PhD. He's mad smart.
Tween Girl 2: Aren't PhDs what you need to be a shrink?
Tween Girl 1: Yeah, or a paleantologist.


Overheard near Waynflete.

North Carolina

Crazy Man on Congress Street (in a threatening manner): It's not like you have to tear your face off to North Carolina!

(Overheard by David Meiklejohn)

Swimming Instructor: Ok, everybody, let's go over names.
Little Girl 1: Caitlin.
Swimming Intructor: Hailey?
Little Girl 1: Caitlin.
Swimming Intructor: Caitlin.
Little Girl 2: Eden.
Swimming Instructor: Hailey?
Little Girl 2: Eden.
Swimming Instructor: Eden.
Little Girl 3: Hannah.
Swimming Instructor: Hailey?
Little Girl 3: Hannah.
Swimming Instructor: Hannah. Is Hailey even a real name?

Denmark, Maine?

Young woman, to boyfriend: So just go on over to Denmark and find yourself Wyland St!
Boyfriend: Ok.

Good plan

Girl: These ones don't hurt as much when you get hit by them.
Mom: These whats?
Girl: Tennis balls. This one might break your nose, but these ones can TOTALLY hit you straight on, and it will barely hurt.
Mom: Maybe you shouldn't put your face in front of them, then.


Overheard at Sports Authority